Launching an arrow

Psalms 127:3-5

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb a reward

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,

So are the children of one’s youth

How blessed is the man 

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be ashamed

When they speak with their 

enemies in the gate.

Well, we launched another arrow this weekend. We took Madison to Sacramento to start the next chapter of her life. I can’t tell you how many times I was asked if this weekend was going to be hard for me. The answer to that is more complicated than it would seem. I am thrilled for Maddy. She has been looking forward to this for a long time and I know she will be fine. There will be struggles, of that I am certain. But Madison is one of the strongest people I know. She knows who she is, she knows what she believes. Ask her. I promise she will tell you. 

Madison is my third child and my first daughter. Her older brothers presented us with what I would consider in hind sight to be very normal challenges. We worked on things like obeying mommy and daddy, playing nice, using manners...typical parenting stuff. Maddy was born on July 2nd and that should have been our warning. She is the quintessential fire cracker. As a new born, she was very similar to the  boys. She ate well, slept well, did the same things her brothers did at that age. When she was six months old, Madison had what I thought was a cold. When the boys had gotten a cold, I would just let it run its course and they would recover and move on. This cold wouldn’t go away. She was constantly coughing and was barely able to eat between coughing fits. 

I called the doctor and he said I should take her to the ER. When we walked into triage, her oxygen level was dangerously low (mid-70’s). The hospital staff rushed her back and began treating her. I’m not sure there is anything more scary to a young mom than the look of concern on a doctor’s face as he is examining her child. They worked quickly and before I even knew what was happening, they had her connected to tubes and machines and admitted her for her first stay in the hospital. 

Over the course of the next week, Dan and I took turns staying with her while the hospital staff did their job. She underwent breathing treatments, percussion therapy sessions, suction, IV antibiotics and steroids. Madison tolerated the necessary measures. After each treatment, she would resume the exact same position. She would lay on her back, propped up on a pillow, put her hands behind her head and turn her face away. Even though I knew she was going to make a full recovery, watching this was heart breaking. 

She spent a week in the hospital and was sent home on all kinds of medicines. Having never gone through anything like this before, we had no idea what these types of drugs could do to a little person. The doctors gave us very serious instructions and warnings about the steroids especially. And even at six months olds, we saw behavioral differences that were...well, unsettling. She got very angry....and very happy...and very excited...All of her emotions were extreme. 

Madison made a full recovery. I believe the steroids had given us a glimpse into the future with her, because even though she was no longer taking them, she remained very angry, very happy, very excited...

Exactly one year later, Madison had to make another trip to the ER. She had been battling a cold, with a slight cough, but still had all kinds of energy so we thought she had kicked this one. We went to church and took her to childcare as we did every Sunday. A close friend of mine was working in her class that day. When we came to pick her up, my friend (a mother who had experience with asthma) recommended that I take Madison in to the doctor because her cough sounded suspicious. 

I noticed later that day that her color was not good and she was breathing faster than she should be, so I decided to go ahead and take her to the ER. Not my favorite place.

When we got to the there, Madison was surprisingly happy. She greeted every man, woman and child she passed with an enthusiastic “HI!”. She didn’t want to sit on my lap, but wanted to be down and playing. Yuck! playing in the ER! Fortunately, they called us back to triage quickly so we could avoid that battle of the wills. (There was no way I was going to let my 18 month old get down to play in the children’s hospital emergency room) The nurse who examined Madison inquired about my concerns. I told him I was concerned about her breathing. He looked at this happy, playful, talkative little girl and said “Oh, I’m sure she's fine.” I said “Looks can be deceiving.” The nurse lifted her shirt to watch her chest. With every breath, Madison’s ribs protruded from her sides. “Hmm” was the nurses reply. He got the oxygen monitor and put it on her finger...waited...took it off and put it on a different finger...waited...He went to another room and retrieved another moniter, changed the leads and put it on her finger...waited...

There it was again! That look of concern. He had not allowed me to see the numbers on the machines until this moment.  73%... He apologized and told me that a child with a reading that low should be lethargic and blue. Once again, hospital staff went to work and she was admitted and “hooked up”. This time, however, she was no longer the compliant six month old who tolerated the treatments. She had become a fierce fighter. They needed to get an IV in her arm. It took six people just to put her in a papoose. Madison had worked up such a sweat during the struggle that as soon as they had all turned around she wiggle herself out. At this point she was too sweaty to be able to proceed and she was getting so worked up that she had started coughing again. They allowed me to hold her and gave her a breathing treatment which helped her calm down and she eventually fell asleep. They were able to get her in the papoose while she was asleep and finished putting in the IV. 

So here we are. Back at the same hospital, for the same reason, having the same treatments. Only this time Madison was a totally different child. Every time someone in a white coat attempted to come close to her she would start swinging. You see, in order to stabilize the arm with the IV, they put on a stiff splint that went from her elbow to the tips of her fingers. Instant weapon!! Dan was the only one that could convince her to allow anyone near her. Several nurses attempted to treat her before Dan had a chance to keep her calm. She would stick her “weapon” through the slats in the hospital crib and start whacking. Needless to say, we made many apologies that week. 

Once again, Madison stayed for a week and came home on lots of drugs. This time it was a little more of a challenge to give her the treatments at home. The only way we could get her to sit for a breathing treatment was to sing “I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart”. (She loved the sit on a tack part) Whatever works, right? 

Madison had the same side effects as before. She was more angry, more happy, and more excited and now we could add extremely impulsive to this list. 

Fast forward to the following year. Same week, same problem. Only this time, we were ready for it and were able to keep her out of the hospital. The doctors decided there was something that she was allergic to that must bloom at that time every year. We were careful to not spend much time outside and to keep windows closed. However, she still had issues. We made many trips to the doctor’s office, and he was willing to work with us to try to keep her at home. While we didn’t have to go to the hospital, we did have to put her back on all of the drugs again. 

Her reactions to the steroids were the same. They made her crazy! Our nickname for her during this time was “Mad Maddy”. She was a force to be reckoned with. They had to promote her early at church because she was too rough with the children her age so they put her in a group of kids that were older than her so they could survive her escapades. We had to keep a very watchful eye on her at home because now she had two little sisters (18 months and 2 months old) who were vulnerable to her attack. 

Dan and I started to notice that she was becoming “that kid”. You know the one I’m talking about. The one that is always in trouble. The one who couldn't keep her hands to herself. The one who was going to climb to the top and jump off......of everything. And then convince all of the rest of the kids to do the same. So we learned quickly how to help Madison. We learned to watch for signs that she was becoming overwhelmed or mischievous or bored. We learned to separate her from potentially volatile situations far before anyone even noticed. We learned that she needed quick discipline and lots and lots of patience. We felt like we were on the right track until....

The next year. same week. Very different problem. We had gotten control of all of Madison’s breathing issues, managed her medications and felt like this year was going to be different. Then, in the middle of the night, 3 1/2 year old Maddy came into my room. She reached up to me and woke me up. She said her head hurt and it hurt her legs to walk. I was in the “7 months pregnant, middle of the night stupor”. I felt her head and she was warm so i got up, gave her tylenol and took her back to her bed. I stayed with her until she had settled and then i went back to bed. I figured that she was just achy because she had caught some kind of flu virus. In the morning, Madison crawled out of her room...she was crawling. This is my crazy girl who has been walking, running, jumping, climbing for 2 years. Why was she crawling?!? I picked her up and saw that her feet and hands were very swollen. I examined her further to find that where i had picked her up the night before, she had tiny red spots that all together looked like bruises. It literally looked like bruises in the shape of my hands on her sides under her arms where I had lifted her. I was horrified. I called the doctor and he told me to come to his office, but to enter through the back door. He took one look at her and sent us to the hospital. They took us right into a room and began working...again. 

There is one thing worse that the look of concern on the doctors’ faces. Its the look of concern covered by not one, but two masks. I had no idea what was going on. They were not doing any of the familiar treatments and no one was talking to me. At this point Madison was a limp rag doll. They had poked her to take a blood sample and she hadn’t even flinched. I asked questions, but the only thing they could tell me is that they were admitting her and they didn’t know what was wrong. 

Now for the fourth year in a row, Madison was receiving IV antibiotics and.....steroids. They never figured out what caused this illness, but I later found out from one of the ER nurses that they thought she had a fatal bacterial infection. The double masked staff and lack of communication all made sense. Maddy eventually recovered from this mystery illness and I am happy to report that she has NOT been back to the hospital since. 

Some months later, we were at a church family function. I don’t remember what Madison had done, but it required a trip to the bathroom for some of that quick discipline I talked about earlier. (Madison was no stranger to the bathroom for that purpose.) A close friend had seen Madison and I come out of the restroom and knew the purpose for the visit. She caught my eye and I said “She’ll be lucky if she lives to see four!” To be honest, raising madison was a big job. But there were several factors that made this even harder. By the time Madison was four, we had a total of six kids. She was a high-energy child while I was no-energy mommy. It was all I could do to keep up with her. Dan was amazing during this time because he would take her to work with him as often as he could. He would take her to the store or to the park or just out for a drive, just to use up some of her energy. 

Madison was our first strong-willed child. Dan and I spent many hours praying for wisdom and reading the bible to try and figure out how to teach her to gain self-control, yet embrace who God created her to be. We looked up verses in the bible that taught about controlling anger, using kind words, self-control, loving one another. We taught her those verses. She was a child who loved to push on the boundaries, but who was relieved when the boundaries remained intact. She was our first child to yell at me and slam her bedroom door. (Testing the boundary) The very real threat that I would take her door off the hinges was enough to stop her from ever doing that again. (Boundary intact) She was the first child to fight with her brother after being told if it happened again they would be tied together. (testing the boundary) She spent an entire day tied to her big brother at the ankle. (Boundary intact) .....

Madison was also my first child to go stand by the flagpole at school alone and bow her head to pray. I watched as one student after another joined her until there were more than a dozen students holding hands and praying. I have seen her make incredibly difficult decisions based on what God calls her to and not based on what everybody else is doing. I have seen her handle disappointment when those decisions didn’t make her popular and as those who made other choices moved up the social ladder in her place.

Madison has a very real sense of who God is and what He means in her life. She knows that she is loved unconditionally not only by her parents, but by a fiercely loving God whose plans for her are far more important than anything this world can throw in her way. God has rewarded her for her patience and perseverance. (two words I never thought would apply to her) She has become a beautiful woman inside and out. One whom I know is capable of handling all that God has planned for her. 

My experience this weekend was bittersweet. But what makes it easier for me is that I have seen God mold and shape Madison from the time she was that tiny little girl sitting in her rocking chair hooked up to the “Choo Choo”. I have seen God’s faithfulness in sparing her life from whatever the mystery illness was. I am excited for Maddy because I know wherever she goes she will be a reflection of His glory. I will deeply miss my daughter, Madison, but I can’t wait to see where this arrow will land and how many people her life will effect in the name of Jesus. 

If you would like to read more about Madison, I wrote about her several years ago in a post called “High Energy Children”

Enjoy! 

Haters Hate

Haters hate. Its what they do. They will actively seek out things to hate. I have been on the receiving end of their venomous words. I have to admit, it is something that I don’t understand, nor do I really want to. 

Several years ago, I posted a video on youtube of the day we found Max in the toilet. Not just playing in the toilet, but fully sitting IN the toilet. 

It was one of those days; A cleaning day, and not just any cleaning, we were DEEP cleaning. It was a summer day that started the way most of our days in recent history had started. I got up, readied myself for the day and proceeded down the hallway to wake the rest of the house. First stop was the littles’ room. (Bailey 5, Abbey 3 and Maximus, AKA “shenanigans”, 18 months) I reached for the doorknob with the words “Rise and Shine” poised on my lips. I turned the knob and attempted to step inside. “Rise and WHACK” The door bounced off of something inside their room and hit me in the head. You see, instead of going to sleep when they were put to bed the night before, they had built a fort right in front of their bedroom door. 

The noise of my forehead colliding with their bedroom door was enough to shake them from their sleep. Satisfied that my job in that room was done, I proceeded down the hallway feeling my head to assess the damage, clumsily putting one foot in front of the other. Before I could get to the next room to continue my mama reveille , I experienced another type of pain, much worse, this time coming from my foot. It was a familiar pain. The pain only a Lego can cause. “Yeeeowww!!!” I’m pretty sure this time all who were once blissfully sleeping, were now wide awake. I didn’t even need to go to anymore bedrooms to wake anyone else. They all appeared in the family room to find me sitting on the couch, nursing my injuries. 

Time for a family meeting. Through gritted teeth, with as much self control as I could muster (because cussing is not allowed) I said “Today we will clean”. That’s it. That’s all I said. 

So, that is the type of “cleaning day” I’m talking about. I got breakfast for the kids and the cleaning began. I was in my big girls room helping them make some headway on a room who’s floor had been missing for several weeks.  I heard someone screaming from the kitchen. “Mom!!! Come quick!!! And you should bring the camera!!” I ran into the kitchen where there were several of the kids pointing into the bathroom. There he was...Shenanigans (Max)... in the toilet. Not just sitting. He was ....playing...in the water. He was thrilled with himself. Obviously, my first reaction (after I recorded the whole thing) was to get him out and give him a bath.  After I got him all cleaned up, I found the person who was supposed to be watching him, reprimanded them and of course...posted the video on Youtube. 

I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen and never thought for one minute that it would cause such controversy. The comments started pouring in; About what a terrible mother I was and how this poor little boy was going to be scarred for life and probably would never be potty trained. They scolded me and told me he could have died and kids die in toilets every day and on and on and on. They condemned me as a mother and as a person. Well, I’ve got news for all the haters out there: Max is potty trained and perfectly comfortable in any bathroom near any toilet. And if I am being totally honest, shortly after this incident Max may or may not have taken a nap in the commode. All I know is that when we found him and pulled him out, his diaper had soaked up all of the water in the bowl.... And he was very well rested...

Max got lots of bathes, many times a day due to his other shenanigans. He was a challenge to keep track of.  

My point is this: we should never judge. Thats not our job. Most of the time we have no way of knowing the whole story. And we certainly don’t need to berate people for circumstances beyond their control. I never responded to any of the comments on that video, mainly because I knew that that is what these people were hoping for and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of a response. I also know that the proof is in the pudding. Max is a very well-adjusted six year old....And he has earned nearly a thousand dollars from that video. 

Click here to view the video


BTW...before i get more haters, the toilet was clean, it had scratches on it....

Rest

I had the rare occasion to lay down with Max as he fell asleep last night. He has been having some scary dreams and has developed an aversion to sleeping in his own bed. So I told him I would lay with him until he fell asleep. As is usually the case with several of my children, he didn’t lay down and close his eyes and fall asleep, it’s not that easy. He laid down and stared at me. He wouldn’t close his eyes for fear that I would leave his side. Knowing that he needed this rest, I stayed still and closed my eyes hoping he would follow suit. Every time I tried to sneak a peak, his eyes would meet mine and a sweet, groggy smile would envelop his face. As time passed, the opportunity of making eye contact diminished and I was able to just watch his struggle. He was so desperately trying to stay awake to make sure I was still there. He would force his eyes open just long enough to catch the glimpse of my silhouette in the darkness of his room, then relax again and drift off. While in my mind I was saying “just let go, buddy. You need this rest.” When I felt that he was finally asleep, I slowly started to get up and make my way off of his bed. I had just gotten my head off the pillow when I saw him shift and I froze; hoping he would settle and close his eyes again. He pulled his little arm out from under his blankets and wrapped it around my neck. He whispered “No, Mommy. Don’t go away.” He turned his face away from me, laid his head on his pillow and fell asleep; still clinging to my neck. 

I laid there in his dark room struck by two things. The first was the similarity of Max’s struggle to allow himself to trust me enough to find rest and the struggle I have been having trusting God completely and allowing Him to give me rest. It was so clear to me that Max was exhausted and just needed to close his eyes and go to sleep.  But he was fighting it with everything he had. I could see the fear in his eyes when he opened them that I was not going to be there and I felt his little body relax as he was comforted when our eyes met. I know God calls us to find our rest in Him, but I find myself opening my eyes and saying “but what about the roof that is in desperate need of repair?” He says “Trust me and rest”. I say “what about the college tuition that is coming this fall?” He says “Trust me and rest”. I say “Well, what about our car situation, or Dan’s job, or...?” And again He says “Trust me and rest”. Why do I fight it? God has proven himself over and over in my life and throughout history. He is worthy of my trust. So why do I keep forcing my eyes open to make sure he hasn’t left instead of falling off into blissful rest? I haven’t figured out the answer, yet. I’m not sure that I ever will. Sometimes I wish I could wrap my arm around His neck just to make sure He won’t ever leave. For now, I will cling to His promise to “never leave or forsake me”. God tells us in Matthew 11:29 “Take my yolk upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”  That rest is the rest I saw in Max’s face last night when he finally trusted me enough to let go. 

The other thing that occurred to me last night was the fact that, as much as I am a believer in children sleeping in their own beds and being able to get themselves to sleep,  this was a rare opportunity; one whose frequency is waning. Max is my youngest and at six years old, he is well on his way to complete independence (which is a good thing, something for which we as parents strive), but, at the same time, signals the end of an era in my journey as a mommy. I know there will be more opportunities along the way to love on him, comfort him, disciple him, but to be able to lie next to him and watch as he drifts off to asleep, to be the one who provides the security that allows him to rest; Those opportunities will be few and far between. 

I was standing with Max in the kitchen the other day 

and I scooped him up in my arms and cradled him like a baby. 

I gave him kisses and said 

“Max, what’s going to happen when i can’t carry you anymore? I will be so sad.” 

He smiled at me and replied, “It’s OK mom, I will carry you.”

Protect her heart

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for blessing us with this baby boy. Thank you for his tiny fingers and toes and his beautiful blue eyes. Guide him as he grows, let him come to know you at an early age. I know, God, that somewhere in this world right now is a precious little girl who will win Trevor's heart one day. I pray that you would protect her as she grows. Keep her safe from harm. Draw her to You and protect her heart....protect her heart...protect her heart..."

Protect her heart....

At the time, I was asking God to protect her heart from Jr. High boys or a high school crush. I was asking that God would shelter her heart from the worldly influences and draw her closer to Himself. 

Protect her heart...

I had no idea the amount of protection her heart would need. The evils of this world are unspeakable; The profound selfishness is incomprehensible. 

Protect her heart...

And yet....God is sovereign, He is faithful, He has a plan. Sometimes the full extent of His plan is not for us to know. 

Protect her heart...

I find myself asking God, "why?"

Why?

When I prayed so fervently

Why?

When we worked so hard to protect our own children from such evil

Why did You allow it?!?

My heart wrestles with God. Questions cloud my mind. And, yet my faith is only strengthened because I know that God's perfect plan sometimes allows for pain. 

But not without answers...

God protected her heart. He wrapped His hands so tightly around her heart that his finger prints are etched on every surface. She knows God, She loves God. You cannot know Ally and not see Jesus. 

She is an answer to prayer....19 years of prayer. 

And her heart?

Tender, yet strong

Fiercely in love with Jesus

God has given us the privilege to love another child, a child that we could not protect, a child that we could only pray for from a distance without knowing the circumstances, a child whose heart is precious to God, a child who needs to experience healing...

I feel the burden of this responsibility. I feel the deep need for unconditional love and acceptance. I feel an urgency to protect her from anymore pain.

I know that God created Trevor with Alyssa in mind, and, likewise, He created Alyssa with Trevor in mind. I watched this week as God joined these two in marriage. I watched as Trevor wept to see his bride walk down the aisle.  I watched as Trevor vowed to love, honor and cherish. I watched God give Alyssa's heart to Trevor that day. And I watched Trevor make a covenant with God to take care of it as if it were his own. 

My prayers continue for Alyssa and Trevor. I am continuing to pray for eight other future spouses, as well. My prayers haven't changed. " God, I pray that you would protect them as they grow. Keep them safe from harm. Draw them to You and.........

 protect their hearts"

Do you love them enough?

It's so very quiet at my house right now. Jordan is married and gone, Trevor, Madison, Moriah and Hannah are all participating in the Amazing Race at church. Hudson and Payton are at the “Lizard Church” with their friend, Abbey and Bailey went to a friend's soccer game and Dan took Max to the store. Phew! All I can hear is the sound of the dryer running, which, by the way, is music to my ears. It has been broken for the last week and just got fixed yesterday. You can imagine the massive pile of laundry that is waiting to be washed and an even bigger pile waiting to be folded. Instead, I am going to take advantage of this quiet moment to write down a few thoughts that have been “stewing” in my mind for the last couple of weeks.

All throughout our parenting journey, God has brought influential people into our lives at just the right time. Many of our questions about how to deal with different circumstances have been answered either by these people or by the example of their lives. When Jordan and Trevor were little and Madison hadn't even crossed our minds, we moved to Fresno for Dan to attend college. We found a church and a Sunday School class and began to form friendships. One of our most cherished, was the relationship we formed with the couple who taught our class. They were just older than us and had four amazing boys, the youngest of which was around ten and the oldest was in high school.

We watched this family do life. We watched how they played together, enjoyed, taught and cheered for each other. We modeled our family after them, because we saw so much that we liked in their boys. They were responsible, respectful, and fun to be with. And they loved the Lord! What more could you ask?

As time passed these boys grew up and left for college and our family grew as well. One Sunday morning, we were sitting in class. One of their sons who had finished college and was on his way to a career in professional baseball stood in front of us holding the hand of his girlfriend. Through tears, he said, “We need to make an apology.” The class was silent. No one knew what he was talking about. He went on, “We have been selfish, and now we are pregnant.” We were stunned. How could this have happened? We thought they had done everything right. We thought their family was perfect. Now what were we going to do? Our boys were eight and ten, we had planned on doing things just the way that they had. (Please don't misunderstand, the son and his girlfriend got married and now have a beautiful family. And we know there is forgiveness.)

Our parenting world had been shaken that day. We had never talked to this couple about what they had taught their boys about dating and intimacy. Up until then our concern had been about how to get our kids to obey and how to build a relationship with them that included Christ. So we decided to sit down with them and find out what they had done and what they thought they could have done differently. Thankfully, they were more than willing to talk with us. They never wanted anyone to think they were perfect or that they had all the answers. They were willing to do life with people, good or bad. Even today, I thank God for the example they set for us; not only in the good times, but also in the times of great difficulty.

Their answers to our questions came down to one thing: they should have said... They should have said something when they saw him getting too close to her. They should have been more specific in their teaching. You can't just say “sex is wrong outside of marriage” There is so much more to be said and they should have said it all. Watching them agonize over words unspoken was heart-breaking. Again, we were so thankful that they were willing to be open and vulnerable and we learned so much in those moments.

Dan and I went home from that meeting and spent hours talking about how we were going to handle this with our family. We decided that we needed to not only teach our children what is right and what is wrong, but to also equip them to flee temptation or avoid it completely. Dan decided to have “the talk” with Jordan and he decided it would be better to do it sooner than later. He gave him all the facts and told him what God expected him to do. He made sure that he knew what we expected of him and left no stone unturned. When he was finished he asked Jordan what he thought and all he said was “That's Gross!!!” And that was good. That is exactly what we expected him to say at ten years of age. Dan assured Jordan that someday he would not think it was gross anymore. I'm not sure Jordan believed Dan, but the words had been said. At 10, I think Jordan was thankful that dad had said “not until you get married” because that gave him at least 10 years to get used to the idea of these “disgusting” things.

And so it has gone since then. Each child, somewhere around 10 years of age, gets to go out and get disgusted. Dan has gone with the boys and I have gone with the girls. One of the many things I told the girls is that its as if, when they were born, that God gave us a beautiful jar; sealed and wrapped with an enormous bow. This jar is stuffed full with all kinds of candy. Each of those pieces of candy represents a kiss that belongs to you husband. For now, Dad is the keeper of your jar. He will keep it safe until you are ready to give it to your spouse. This concept seemed to be one that the girls could grasp. And just like Jordan, they were thankful that they had some time to get used to the idea. I also know that they have all been thankful that Dan has control and is their protection from boys that will come and longingly look into that jar.

We told the kids that they may not start dating until they are ready to get married. This may seem extreme and I know it puts us in that “freak” category. Yes, we are the freaks that don't let their kids date, at least not in high school. Here's the important thing, though. We did not tell them this as a rule for them to obey. We told them all the “why's” that go with it. Among other things, when you date before you are ready to get married, you are entering into temptation, and when you break up with that person (and you will break up with them), you are practicing divorce.

Let's just talk for a moment about high school relationships. Let's say they are sophomores who are 15 years old. They meet and are convinced that this is “the one”. They are completely consumed by one another. All the while, giving pieces of their heart away. So if they are indeed “the one”, they will spend two more years in high school. Even if they were to get married right out of high school, they will have spent two full years together. Unless your children are endowed with some super natural power to resist temptation, their relationship will more than likely become physical. And then what? How many high school relationships do you know of that ended in marriage? Maybe a handful. Maybe none. The likelihood is that they will break up. The pain associated with a high school break up is equal to that of a divorce.

I would also like to address another myth about dating. We have heard this comment from many people: “If your children don't date, they will not learn how to have a relationship”. Our children are learning about healthy, Godly relationships by watching Dan and I and the other married couples in our circle of friends. However and more importantly, I believe that their relationships with their siblings are an even better preparation for a marriage relationship. Hear me out. Who else will you share a room with? Who else will you share a bathroom with? Who else will you share most of your meals with? Who else will tell you when you have food in your teeth or your breath stinks? Who else will teach you how to ignore the things that irritate you? Who else will love you unconditionally? I tell my children that their relationship with their siblings is more important that any other friendship, because your brothers and sister will always be your brothers and sisters. We also tell them that when they get married it is forever. Your husband or wife will be your husband or wife forever. Divorce is not an option.

Fast forward a few years to this past summer. Just as Dan said he would, Jordan changed his mind and those things weren't so disgusting anymore. He found his wife, married her and they shared their first kiss on their wedding day. They can both fully give themselves to the other with no regrets. Neither of them had given even one kiss to any other. Her jar was still beautifully wrapped and he had not taken what did not belong to him.

So what is the purpose of this post? It is certainly not to talk about how we've done things perfectly. Far from it. I am writing because God has laid on my heart a tremendous burden for my children and your children. I have talked to so many parents about issues that they deal with when their children are young: Obedience, potty training, attitude, schedules, teaching... I have not really talked about this because I guess I felt it was slightly taboo. We homeschool our children, so I imagined people giving me the answers like “that's fine for your kids because they don't go to school, so they don't have the pressure of all of the other kids who are allowed to date.” or “its part of their high school experience”...

And just to clear up the myth that home schooled children don't have the same pressure as public school kids. Our children are involved in all kinds of activities where they have opportunity. Youth group, sports, school (our charter school has a campus where our older kids spend quite a bit of time). Our oldest daughter has already had quite a few interested boys to whom she has said, “I'm not going to date until I am ready to get married”. The boys don't understand, but she sticks to her guns because she knows its not worth the time and emotional energy.

Dear friends, this burden that I feel far out weighs the possible worldly judgement I may experience. I have been counseling a young person recently, not one of my own. I have watched as a relationship connected this person to another in an emotional way that neither of them were ready for. I have watched how painful it has been for this person to tear themselves out of that relationship and reunite with Christ. I started to realize the true damage that can be done. I have been able to be a support and encourager throughout the process.

Then a friend sent me a video that absolutely dropped me to the floor. It is a stark depiction of the battle for our children. I realized why I felt this burden so heavily. I realized as I watched this video that it was very close to the story of my life. Please take the time now to watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8IfgS9ZXQE

The very thing that pulled her away from Christ was a boy. That's where it started. It seemed harmless at first. After all, everyone in high school is doing it. But look where it went. Not only that, but I want you to really watch how hard it was for her to get back to Christ. Those things pulled on her, dragged her back, blocked her way, and threw her down. She was beaten and tormented. Only when Christ stepped in and took the beating did she find redemption. Please understand that I am not saying that if your children are in a relationship in high school that it will lead to all of those other things. But it will cause them to take their eyes off of Christ. My own story is very similar and I know that, although I didn't follow the exact path that she did, it was very difficult to find my way back and I just don't want my children to experience such pain.

I love my children. I love them enough to have the tough conversations about sex and what it does outside of marriage. I love my children enough to make the hard choice not to let them date. I love my children enough to give them the opportunity to avoid the Hell represented in this video. I love my children enough to show them what a healthy marriage looks like. I love them enough to say “you're getting too close” or ”you may not be alone together”.

So far, our children understand. They have all been “on board”. Jordan and Desiree agreed that they should not be alone. And now Trevor is following the same rules. My hope is that all of our children will follow Jordan's example. We have a long way to go, but we are ready for the task. My hope and prayer is that you will consider this for your children. It means praying for them, talking to them, and sometimes making them uncomfortable. As far as I can tell, it is worth it!!

So it's my turn to sit outside Max's room while he decides that it is better for him to stay in his bed than to get out meet Mr. Consequence. It is about 90 degrees here in the hallway (no exaggeration, the AC isn't working in the back end of the house). My mind is swirling with all the things left to do in preparation for Jordan's big day; His wedding, less than two weeks away.

In the recent weeks, we have struggled trying to figure out how we can make this event all that it should be. In a sense, tradition has been thrown out the window. The current economic conditions have reeked havoc on not only our family but the bride's family as well. So we are all in this together and are making due with what we have. Much has been donated but much has yet to be paid for. And some things we will go without.

I have had sleepless nights caused by the feelings of stress and guilt for our lack of the ability to provide all the details that would make this the most amazing day of Jordan and Desiree's lives. The guilt that comes with not being able to help them pay for a honeymoon that would start their marriage off on the right foot. The guilt that they have had to sacrifice (without complaint) some of their dreams of what this day would look like because we can't afford to help them.

Up until this last weekend, I had felt buried. I had felt like a child whose blanket tent collapsed and now is flailing trying to find the way out. The child can hear her daddy calling and knows he is near, but she can't quite get out from under the layers she had so skillfully crafted so she could see him.

I was that child. I was buried under “details”. Details like: “is it ok not to give everyone a spoon? We're not serving anything that should be eaten with a spoon so would people be offended by not getting a spoon?” or “is it ok to toast with pink lemonade or must we get sparkling cider for everyone? (its silly I know, just bear with me) These were the things that had buried me to the point that I could not see God.

I knew God was there, I could hear His voice, but I just couldn't see Him...Until this weekend.

My younger sister thought it would be a good idea to have a weekend at my parents' mountain house with Desiree and her mom and sister. It was going to be a weekend that would include myself, my three older daughters, my two sisters and their daughters and my mom. It was going to be a time to build relationships before the wedding so that when that day came we would not all be strangers. Let's call it a “Welcome to the Family” weekend.

The wedding details had consumed last week and before I knew it, it was Thursday and Dan and I were trying to figure out how I was going to get myself and my girls up to the cabin. You see, our van is a gas guzzler, our more economical Mazda wasn't running, and our Honda's tires were too bald to drive. Dan handed me some money and said “This is all we have. Its enough to fill the tank in the van or get tires on the Honda and enough gas to get you there. Go get tires on the Honda”. I went to the tire store and told the guy how much I could spend and that I needed two tires...nothing more, nothing less. After looking at the tires on the Honda and telling me how bad they were, he proceeded to try to sell me the whole skinkin' store. Maybe he didn't hear me. I reiterated the amount of money and my need for only two tires. After refusing his attempts at in-store financing, I was finally able to make him understand my plight. His final offer was more than I had in my hand. I stood at the counter with a decision to make : panic or trust God. At that moment I chose to trust God. I walked out without the tires and prayed all the way home that God would show me His will. Within a few hours, we had all piled into Desiree's mom's suburban and we were on our way together.

The three hour ride was the first of many blessings this weekend. It was a great time to talk and share family stories and laugh. And it was just a taste of what we could expect for the rest of the weekend. We did lots of girl things; watched 27 Dresses, ate food, talked about boys, ate food, and went to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Saturday, we showered Desiree with gifts. She is now a prepared bride with something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.... She is prepared to strain veggies, make spaghetti and slice avocados. (by the way...I want one of those avocado slicers!!) We swam, ate, played games, and ate some more.

Still, I had this feeling that I was buried. I could hear God, I knew He is there. I could feel Him in the laughter, but I just couldn't see Him.

After dinner on Saturday night, my sister suggested that we pray for Desiree and Jordan and for their future together. So all eleven of us gathered around Desiree and we began to pray. I closed my eyes. My sister prayed, then silence. My other sister prayed and then was joined by Desiree's mom. More silence. I prayed and expected that we would be done. The next silence was broken by my oldest daughter Madison, then my niece Catherine and finally Desiree through tears offered a prayer of thanksgiving. While she was praying, I opened my eyes. I looked at Madison and saw tears rolling down her cheeks. I was my sisters and nieces with their hands on Desiree's shoulders and I saw Desiree holding her mother's hand. At that very moment...I saw God. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

All of the “details” faded away and I saw what was important. Who cares if our guests get spoons and who cares if we toast with pink lemonade. I found my way out from under the blankets!! I can see God!! I know what is important!! God is bringing two souls together forever for His Glory!!! Thank you, God, for showing me your face. It is beautiful...

An Unexpected Blessing

I had a very interesting Mother's Day. It started with lots of "Happy Mother's Day" wishes from all of my children. The rest of the day was pretty low key and relaxed. We were all sitting outside before dinner when there was a knock at the door. It was D (a little boy that lives in our neighborhood) wanting to wish me a happy mother's Day. We told the kids to invite him in to hang out with us until dinner was ready. After one more trip to the door, the kids came back to tell us that he had asked to stay for dinner. Sure! What's one more plate at the table, right?

So we set another place and D joined us. He was very somber for a long time. Nevertheless, we included him in our meal: steak, salad, bread, prayer, and lots of conversation... As often is the case at our dinner table, laughter erupted. I looked over to see how D was doing and saw a little smile that soon turned into laughter. He stayed at our house until the street lights came on and my boys walked him home (a ritual that happens about 4 nights a week).

Let me help you better understand where D comes from. Two years ago he lost his big brother in a bike vs. car accident. A year later his world was shattered again when his father took his mother's life. He has been a part of our lives since shortly after he lost his mom. He plays here, eats here, works here, gets disciplined here and he keeps coming back! I have been blessed today by a little boy who is not my own. He blessed me with three words that, coming from him, meant so much. I thank God for my children who all loved on me today in different ways. I also thank God for a little added perspective on what being a mother is all about.

Be Blessed today!!

Trina