Where is it? I know I left it here somewhere! Its here under my housework and my school work and my finances. . . .Hang on just a second . . . There it is! I found it! . . .Are you wondering what "it" is? Stick with me and you'll understand.
We homeschool our children and up until a few years ago, we were independent of any home school co-op or charter school. Which just means we did what we want when we wanted to. When I taught history, I taught all the kids at the same time. They all had different assignments based on the same time in history. We did the same thing in many of the other subjects.
When our oldest was about to go into highschool we decided that we needed to be affiliated with a charter school that could take care of all of the necessary paperwork and record keeping for college. We chose Sanger Hallmark. They provided all of his curriculum (up until that point we had been buying it on our own), a teacher who met with him at our house for one hour a week, and many other opportunities that we could not afford on our own. (Music, Art, Academic Decathlon . . ) It went really well that year and so, the next year, we decided to enroll all of the other children there as well. That meant I would now have seven children in seven different grades doing seven different subjects. Oh yeah . . . and a 3 year old, and a 7 month old baby. . . . What was I thinking??!?!
Excuse me for a minute while I let the waves of anxiety subside. . . . OK . . . . About two weeks into that year, I found myself completely buried in school work. I literally schooled from 8:30 am straight through into the evening after Dan came home from work. Needless to say, I was struggling.
One evening, I was teaching someone, trying desperately to just finish that days work so we would not have to start the next day in a deficit when Bailey (3 at the time) came in and stood next to my chair. I'm not sure what her initial intentions were, but she quietly said "mommy?". I turned and looked at her and she hesitated. . . then with the honesty only three-year old Bailey could have, she asked "Do you still like me anymore?" It was all I could do to keep myself together long enough to give her the answer she needed. "Of course, Bailey. I love you!"
"Yeah, but I don't think you like me very much." The knife to my heart . . . in and turning! I picked her up and sat her on the table in front of me and asked her why she thought that. Again with the brutal honesty: "Because you don't smile at me anymore." I apologized to her and reassured her that I still liked her, too. Needless to say, I was done teaching for that day. I took Bailey into the kitchen and put her up on the counter and let her help me make the biscuits for dinner. More importantly, I looked Bailey right in hers eyes and smiled and it felt so good. I realized I had lost my smile. It had become so dark in our home and it was my fault! I had made the choice to get bogged down in the amount of work I had to do. I convinced myself that no one should have to do this much work and I knew there was not one person in this world that would argue with me. So why should I have to endure this? Why me? It was the biggest pitty party of all time. Streamers, balloons, cake and ice cream. The Works!!! And I had forced my entire family to be the honored guests. Like it or not!
Could I have been more selfish? I don't think so. Fortunately, Bailey crashed my party. And, now looking back, I think she is the only one who could. I would not have received it as well from anyone else and quite honestly, I don't think anyone else would have said anything. The amazing thing about that whole situation was that a great burden had been lifted. It was as if I had been given permission to smile again. I still had seven students in seven different grades with seven different subjects. I still had a 3 year old, and a 7 month old. We still schooled from morning til night, but I had been given persmission to enjoy it again. I love my children. I enjoy my children. I want them to see the joy in my face when I look at them. They deserve to be enjoyed purely because God created them to be a blessing. Psalms 127:3 says"Sons are a heritage from the Lord, Children are a reward (blessing) from Him."
I am happy to say, that God is faithful. I have been blessed beyond measure with a husband who loves me when I'm searching for my smile. I have children that make me laugh daily and I have a God who chooses to speak with a three-year-old voice.
Now, did you figure out what I was looking for? It was my smile! I found it! And I choose to find it every day! What is hiding your smile? Do you need permission to find it? Permission granted! Now go enjoy your day!!!
Trina
