It's so very quiet at my house right now. Jordan is married and gone, Trevor, Madison, Moriah and Hannah are all participating in the Amazing Race at church. Hudson and Payton are at the “Lizard Church” with their friend, Abbey and Bailey went to a friend's soccer game and Dan took Max to the store. Phew! All I can hear is the sound of the dryer running, which, by the way, is music to my ears. It has been broken for the last week and just got fixed yesterday. You can imagine the massive pile of laundry that is waiting to be washed and an even bigger pile waiting to be folded. Instead, I am going to take advantage of this quiet moment to write down a few thoughts that have been “stewing” in my mind for the last couple of weeks.
All throughout our parenting journey, God has brought influential people into our lives at just the right time. Many of our questions about how to deal with different circumstances have been answered either by these people or by the example of their lives. When Jordan and Trevor were little and Madison hadn't even crossed our minds, we moved to Fresno for Dan to attend college. We found a church and a Sunday School class and began to form friendships. One of our most cherished, was the relationship we formed with the couple who taught our class. They were just older than us and had four amazing boys, the youngest of which was around ten and the oldest was in high school.
We watched this family do life. We watched how they played together, enjoyed, taught and cheered for each other. We modeled our family after them, because we saw so much that we liked in their boys. They were responsible, respectful, and fun to be with. And they loved the Lord! What more could you ask?
As time passed these boys grew up and left for college and our family grew as well. One Sunday morning, we were sitting in class. One of their sons who had finished college and was on his way to a career in professional baseball stood in front of us holding the hand of his girlfriend. Through tears, he said, “We need to make an apology.” The class was silent. No one knew what he was talking about. He went on, “We have been selfish, and now we are pregnant.” We were stunned. How could this have happened? We thought they had done everything right. We thought their family was perfect. Now what were we going to do? Our boys were eight and ten, we had planned on doing things just the way that they had. (Please don't misunderstand, the son and his girlfriend got married and now have a beautiful family. And we know there is forgiveness.)
Our parenting world had been shaken that day. We had never talked to this couple about what they had taught their boys about dating and intimacy. Up until then our concern had been about how to get our kids to obey and how to build a relationship with them that included Christ. So we decided to sit down with them and find out what they had done and what they thought they could have done differently. Thankfully, they were more than willing to talk with us. They never wanted anyone to think they were perfect or that they had all the answers. They were willing to do life with people, good or bad. Even today, I thank God for the example they set for us; not only in the good times, but also in the times of great difficulty.
Their answers to our questions came down to one thing: they should have said... They should have said something when they saw him getting too close to her. They should have been more specific in their teaching. You can't just say “sex is wrong outside of marriage” There is so much more to be said and they should have said it all. Watching them agonize over words unspoken was heart-breaking. Again, we were so thankful that they were willing to be open and vulnerable and we learned so much in those moments.
Dan and I went home from that meeting and spent hours talking about how we were going to handle this with our family. We decided that we needed to not only teach our children what is right and what is wrong, but to also equip them to flee temptation or avoid it completely. Dan decided to have “the talk” with Jordan and he decided it would be better to do it sooner than later. He gave him all the facts and told him what God expected him to do. He made sure that he knew what we expected of him and left no stone unturned. When he was finished he asked Jordan what he thought and all he said was “That's Gross!!!” And that was good. That is exactly what we expected him to say at ten years of age. Dan assured Jordan that someday he would not think it was gross anymore. I'm not sure Jordan believed Dan, but the words had been said. At 10, I think Jordan was thankful that dad had said “not until you get married” because that gave him at least 10 years to get used to the idea of these “disgusting” things.
And so it has gone since then. Each child, somewhere around 10 years of age, gets to go out and get disgusted. Dan has gone with the boys and I have gone with the girls. One of the many things I told the girls is that its as if, when they were born, that God gave us a beautiful jar; sealed and wrapped with an enormous bow. This jar is stuffed full with all kinds of candy. Each of those pieces of candy represents a kiss that belongs to you husband. For now, Dad is the keeper of your jar. He will keep it safe until you are ready to give it to your spouse. This concept seemed to be one that the girls could grasp. And just like Jordan, they were thankful that they had some time to get used to the idea. I also know that they have all been thankful that Dan has control and is their protection from boys that will come and longingly look into that jar.
We told the kids that they may not start dating until they are ready to get married. This may seem extreme and I know it puts us in that “freak” category. Yes, we are the freaks that don't let their kids date, at least not in high school. Here's the important thing, though. We did not tell them this as a rule for them to obey. We told them all the “why's” that go with it. Among other things, when you date before you are ready to get married, you are entering into temptation, and when you break up with that person (and you will break up with them), you are practicing divorce.
Let's just talk for a moment about high school relationships. Let's say they are sophomores who are 15 years old. They meet and are convinced that this is “the one”. They are completely consumed by one another. All the while, giving pieces of their heart away. So if they are indeed “the one”, they will spend two more years in high school. Even if they were to get married right out of high school, they will have spent two full years together. Unless your children are endowed with some super natural power to resist temptation, their relationship will more than likely become physical. And then what? How many high school relationships do you know of that ended in marriage? Maybe a handful. Maybe none. The likelihood is that they will break up. The pain associated with a high school break up is equal to that of a divorce.
I would also like to address another myth about dating. We have heard this comment from many people: “If your children don't date, they will not learn how to have a relationship”. Our children are learning about healthy, Godly relationships by watching Dan and I and the other married couples in our circle of friends. However and more importantly, I believe that their relationships with their siblings are an even better preparation for a marriage relationship. Hear me out. Who else will you share a room with? Who else will you share a bathroom with? Who else will you share most of your meals with? Who else will tell you when you have food in your teeth or your breath stinks? Who else will teach you how to ignore the things that irritate you? Who else will love you unconditionally? I tell my children that their relationship with their siblings is more important that any other friendship, because your brothers and sister will always be your brothers and sisters. We also tell them that when they get married it is forever. Your husband or wife will be your husband or wife forever. Divorce is not an option.
Fast forward a few years to this past summer. Just as Dan said he would, Jordan changed his mind and those things weren't so disgusting anymore. He found his wife, married her and they shared their first kiss on their wedding day. They can both fully give themselves to the other with no regrets. Neither of them had given even one kiss to any other. Her jar was still beautifully wrapped and he had not taken what did not belong to him.
So what is the purpose of this post? It is certainly not to talk about how we've done things perfectly. Far from it. I am writing because God has laid on my heart a tremendous burden for my children and your children. I have talked to so many parents about issues that they deal with when their children are young: Obedience, potty training, attitude, schedules, teaching... I have not really talked about this because I guess I felt it was slightly taboo. We homeschool our children, so I imagined people giving me the answers like “that's fine for your kids because they don't go to school, so they don't have the pressure of all of the other kids who are allowed to date.” or “its part of their high school experience”...
And just to clear up the myth that home schooled children don't have the same pressure as public school kids. Our children are involved in all kinds of activities where they have opportunity. Youth group, sports, school (our charter school has a campus where our older kids spend quite a bit of time). Our oldest daughter has already had quite a few interested boys to whom she has said, “I'm not going to date until I am ready to get married”. The boys don't understand, but she sticks to her guns because she knows its not worth the time and emotional energy.
Dear friends, this burden that I feel far out weighs the possible worldly judgement I may experience. I have been counseling a young person recently, not one of my own. I have watched as a relationship connected this person to another in an emotional way that neither of them were ready for. I have watched how painful it has been for this person to tear themselves out of that relationship and reunite with Christ. I started to realize the true damage that can be done. I have been able to be a support and encourager throughout the process.
Then a friend sent me a video that absolutely dropped me to the floor. It is a stark depiction of the battle for our children. I realized why I felt this burden so heavily. I realized as I watched this video that it was very close to the story of my life. Please take the time now to watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8IfgS9ZXQE
The very thing that pulled her away from Christ was a boy. That's where it started. It seemed harmless at first. After all, everyone in high school is doing it. But look where it went. Not only that, but I want you to really watch how hard it was for her to get back to Christ. Those things pulled on her, dragged her back, blocked her way, and threw her down. She was beaten and tormented. Only when Christ stepped in and took the beating did she find redemption. Please understand that I am not saying that if your children are in a relationship in high school that it will lead to all of those other things. But it will cause them to take their eyes off of Christ. My own story is very similar and I know that, although I didn't follow the exact path that she did, it was very difficult to find my way back and I just don't want my children to experience such pain.
I love my children. I love them enough to have the tough conversations about sex and what it does outside of marriage. I love my children enough to make the hard choice not to let them date. I love my children enough to give them the opportunity to avoid the Hell represented in this video. I love my children enough to show them what a healthy marriage looks like. I love them enough to say “you're getting too close” or ”you may not be alone together”.
So far, our children understand. They have all been “on board”. Jordan and Desiree agreed that they should not be alone. And now Trevor is following the same rules. My hope is that all of our children will follow Jordan's example. We have a long way to go, but we are ready for the task. My hope and prayer is that you will consider this for your children. It means praying for them, talking to them, and sometimes making them uncomfortable. As far as I can tell, it is worth it!!
