Scenario # 1: Mom and three children (5, 3 and 1) are on their way home after picking Bobby up after kindergarten. The children are hungry for lunch but mom remembered that they have no bread at home, so they make a quick trip to the grocery store.
They arrive at the store and mom loads kids into the cart. Amy (1) will ride in the front of the cart and Julia (3) will ride in the back. That leaves Bobby on his own to walk beside the cart. As soon as they get inside the store, Bobby takes off to the toy isle as Mom yells to no avail. Julia sees Bobby take off and decides she could negotiate the three foot drop to the floor in order to join her brother in the isle that was calling to her as well. Mom again yells at Julia to sit down, get back in the cart. Julia starts to run and Mom catches her by the arm. Julia lets out a blood curdling scream and Mom immediately lets go. She justifies it in her mind by thinking that maybe she will be able to shop in peace and come retrieve her kids before she heads to the check out stand. After all, its just one thing; bread.
At first her plan works and she makes her way to the bread isle. Before she can load her cart with the bread, she hears the sound of Bobby calling to her “Mom . . .Mom? . . . Mom?!? . . . MOOOOOMMMMM??!!?? She rushes to find him hoping to stop the impending panic attack. She finds him on the cereal isle completely distracted from his momentary fit of despair. As soon as he has his mom in his sights, he starts in: “Mom, can we get this cereal? Mom can I have this one. I want this one.” Mom says, “No, Bobby we are just here to get bread, not cereal.” The tears begin to flow. “Mommy, please, I need this cereal! I never get this cereal I neeeeeeeeed it!!!” Bobby, knowing that all it will take is an increase in decibels, ups the ante. MOMMY!!! PLEEAASE!!. “No Bobby all we need is bread.” Now its ON!! Bobby throws himself on the floor and kicks his feet, screaming inaudible words that send a chill down the spine of his mother. “O.K. O.K. put it in the cart and lets go.”
Now that that crisis is over, Mom has a moment to realize that her three year old is not with Bobby and now the search is on. She heads to the toy isle hoping beyond hope that Julia had been so intrigued by some toy that she stayed where she was. Intrigued she was, but not by toys. Mom turned the corner to find her lovely little three year old covered in baby shampoo and cue-tips, which happened to be on a shelf across the isle from the toys. Quickly, Mom scoops up her bubbly mess who begins to cry because, no matter what they say, baby shampoo in quantity, is not tearless!
Angry and embarrassed, Mom puts both of the other children in the back of her cart, hurries to get the bread that she had come for and takes it through the check out, careful not to make eye contact with any other human being in the store.
When she finally gets them in the car and closes the door, she begins to yell at them about how naughty they were and she goes on and on until they get home. She is angry and frustrated and really doesn’t want to spend anymore time with them so they get fed and put in front of the TV while she busies herself in another part of the house.
Scenario #2 Mom and three children (5,3,and 1) are on their way home from their kindergarten pick up. They too need to pick up groceries on the way home. Mom turns the radio down and tells the children “We need to stop at the store on our way home so I want you to be good and make wise choices. John, I need you to make sure you hold onto the cart and help me put some things inside. Nick, your going to ride in the back and make sure you sit down so we can hand you the bread and Noel will ride in the front. We will not be buying anything but bread today so don’t ask mommy for anything. O.K.?” There is a resounding “Yes, Mommy”. Even Noel responded with a grunt while sucking her thumb. She just wants to be like her bigger brother and sister.
This family goes through the grocery store with no incident. When they get back in the car, Mom tells the kids what a good job they did and thanks them. They go home and have a pleasant afternoon together.
I’m sure I don’t need to ask which scenario is more desirable. But how many of us have had the first scene play out in one way or another? What made the difference? The answer seems so simple and in reality it is simple. But for some reason, we would choose to leave the radio on until we got to the store and just go right in without even giving the kids a clue about how to behave. How are our children going to know what is expected of them if we don’t tell them? The answer is “they won’t!!”
First of all, just so you know, senario #1 is completely fictional and I will not be throwing anybody "under the bus" on this one. But I think there are probably a few of you out there wondering if you had ever told me that story. Rest assured, I made it up by my-whole-self. (As my children say).
Training is an absolute in our family. We have conversations with our children everytime we are going somewhere public. Partly because, eventhough we have said the same thing many times before, there is some small child who will be hearing it for the first time. But also because the ones who have heard it need to be reminded. We don't want them to fail for lack of information. In other words, we don't want to hear the words, "But I didn't know I wasn't supposed to get down and chase my sister around the table at the restaurant."
On one occasion, we walked into a restaurant to have dinner. There was an older couple waiting to be seated who, upon seeing us, went to the hostess and had a "conversation". At the time we didn't really know what it was about, but we had a feeling it involved be seated away from us. As it turned out, that couple came to us after dinner and proceeded to tell us that when they saw us come in, they asked the hostess for a table far from where we were going to be seated. The hostess sat them on the other side of the room next to a family of four. They told us that all through dinner while the two children next to them were running around, crying, fighting etc. they were noticing how calm and quiet our table was and what well-behaved children we had. They actually told us they had made a mistake and apologized for judging us before we had even sat down. We thanked them for noticing and thanked our children for being good and making wise choices. God tells us that our children are a blessing from Him. If it doesn't feel like it, maybe its time to do a little training and let them bless you as ours did that night.
My encouragement to you is that you have those conversations ahead of time. If you need to, practice at home before you go. For instance, if they are running away from you in public, train them at home. Play the "touch that" game. Sit in the kitchen and tell them you're going to play the "touch that" game. Then tell them to put their hand on the refrigerator. Praise them when they obey. Then tell them to put their foot on the dishwasher. Praise them when they obey. Continue this for awhile then explain to them that when you go to the store you're going to play this game at the car. Even go out and practice at the car. "Touch the tire with your foot, touch the door with your elbow". You get the picture. Now they are happy because they are playing a game (after all when they are running away from you, in their minds they are playing "tag", right?). Now they are playing YOUR game!! This concept can be applied to so many different I could never list them all.
Be creative. Think about something right now that you are having a hard time with and figure out a way to train them to make the right choices. Its really not hard and when you have success, (and you WILL have success) chose the next thing and watch how much they delight in your smile! All it takes is a little training. Have a great day!!!
Trina
