soccer moms and teenagers

I was at Madison's soccer game this week. It was a very interesting game; not because of anything that happened on the field, but because of what I heard on the sidelines. Our schedule was busy this Saturday so I had the rare opportunity to be at the game by myself. Usually we bring a whole cheering section, and, needless to say, I don't hear much of the other conversations happening around me. So this was indeed a rare occasion. So I was sitting there minding my own business...OK I was eves dropping...anyway, I was stunned by what I heard. Two moms who were sitting behind me were talking about their teenagers. They were complaining about how hard they were to deal with. This, of course, piqued my curiosity...considering that I currently have four teenagers. They continued and one talked about how teenagers almost have no choice but to be difficult because "they have access to so much these days." (I will address this in a moment) The other emphatically agreed and told about her son who is hanging out with a group of friends who have been getting in trouble for drinking. Of course, she assured her friend, her son wasn't drinking. He was just hanging out with the boys who were. (seriously???) There were lots more stories shared between these two moms; one whose son wrecked their car, another of a texting conversation that went something like this:

mom: So what are you guys doing tonight?

son: noyb (translation for those of you "non-texters":none of your business.)

mom: what time will you be home?

son: idk (translation: I don't know)

and so on...

I have been thinking about that conversation ever since then and have been completely convicted. (You know I'm feeling strongly about something when it actually makes me sit down and blog about it...but let's not talk about how long its been!) This whole situation absolutely grieves me! It makes me so sad for the kids and even a little angry at the parents. (Ok a lot angry!)

I would like to address a few things right off the bat:

First of all, those teenagers only have access to the things that you allow. Do you have computers? Where are they? Maybe they have their own computer and its in their room. Do you have cable/comcast/satellite? Maybe they have a TV in their room. Do they have a cell phone? Maybe its an iphone with complete access to whatever they want to look at whenever they want to look at it. This list could go on and on. Now before you put yet another freak feather in my already blooming freak hat, we are not anti-technology. We own computers and cell phones. We don't have cable TV, but not because we are against it. We have to cut corners somewhere and that is one of the corners we have to cut. However, our computers are only to be used in public places and our phones don't have internet access. One of our sons has an itouch that does have internet access, but he understands that it will randomly be checked by his father to see where he has been and what he has been looking at. That's called accountability! Any internet in our home (facebook, email, itouch...) comes with accountability.

Secondly, if that mom (or any other, for that matter) truly believes that her son hangs out with the other guys who are known for drinking heavily and is not drinking, I've got a bridge to sell her!! Honestly, how much fun could that possibly be? The only time it's fun to hang out with buddies who are sauced is when you've thrown back a few cold ones yourself. (not that I have any experience at all) ...moving on

And how about that texting conversation? As long as you are living under my roof, IT IS MY BUSINESS!!! (My father's voice is echoing in my head right now) My guess is that the cell phone is being paid for by the parents and the car he used to get to the party belongs to or was paid for by his parents as well....and the insurance...and the gas...

Honestly though, as crazy as it sounds, these things are irrelevant. These parents could make all the rules and regulations in the world and it won't make a difference. The very sad fact is that they have already lost these kids. Does that sound brutal?! It is!! My heart breaks for these families yet I don't think they even realize what they are missing.

This is the point that my mind has gone back to again and again this week. I have been considering my own family and how much I enjoy my four teenagers. I love who they are. I love who they are becoming. I love spending time with them, talking to them, listening to them. I love watching them contemplate what God is doing in their lives and talking through hard choices with friends or at school. I love hearing their heart. Teenagers are on the verge of life. It is as exciting to me as the moments just before they were born and watching them take their first breath.

So why is it so different for me than for these moms at the soccer game and so many others like them? I'm not sure I have the answer to that, but I can tell you what I know. Dan and I have not done everything right. We are 100% consistant in one thing....making mistakes. However, we have the Bible, the inspired word of God to guide us and that is what we have turned to for guidance. We believe that children are a blessing from the Lord based on Psalm 127 and that blessings are intended to be enjoyed. But how did we get to this place? Why do I enjoy them so much? Why do they talk to me? These are the questions that have been floating around my head and honestly, I'm not sure that I can even get all of my thoughts down in writing without writing a novel, but I'll try.

1. Discipline

OK...I know for sure this could be a whole book by itself....maybe someday.......For now,

God calls us to discipline our children. Proverbs is full of verses about discipline - what happens if you do and what happens if you don't - the internet is a great resource to look up bible verses (biblegateway.com is a great resource for looking up verses or doing word studies in the bible) Hebrews 13 is also a great chapter on discipline. For the sake of time I will some it up. If you love your children and want what's best for them, discipline them. God disciplines those he loves. How much do you love your children? Discipline is not pleasant for anyone involved, but beneficial for all. Children need you to be the parent. They need to know their boundaries. They need to know they are loved.

2. Fellowship

Discipline is important, discipline without relationship is tyranny. The unwritten rule at our house is that for every time you discipline one of the children, you must spend twice that amount of time in sweet fellowship with them. We call it the "2fer". (Two for One) Your children need to know that you honestly enjoy them. You need to spend face to face time with them. Play with them, walk with them, laugh with them, hug them, tickle them, tell them you love them. These are my favorites: play in the mud with them, jump on the bed with them, build tree forts with them, shoot spud guns with them....Make them feel like there is no other place you would rather be than right here on the floor building Legos or playing Polly Pockets. Smile at them!! If you have a two-year-old you are thinking to yourself right now "when was the last time I smiled at them?" Don't feel bad, it's not too late...ok maybe it's too late tonight, but start the day by smiling at them and telling them that you love them!

3. Be a part of their world

Those moms were right. Kids have access to a lot of negative, influential things these days. How will you know what they are listening to, watching, reading if you don't participate in their lives? Of course I'm talking about older kids now, but one of the things that we decided to do was to be one step ahead of our children in the music they listen to. So we pay attention to what is popular. We buy the cds first and we actually listen to them. Yes, even the screamo. Here's the kicker...we honestly like it. If you listen to something long enough, you might just find that you like it. We get excited about movies with them, we read books together... I think there are a lot of parents who live completely separate lives from their children. In fact, sadly, I think that is more the norm that I might want to even know. All I can say is that's not the case for us. And the result? "Dad, me and my friends are going to the movies. Do you want to come with us?" "Mom, you should come with us to summer camp. It's so much fun!!!" Our children choose to spend time with us. They choose to talk to us. They ask us to come with them when they go to the movies. They want us to be a part of their lives. We are not intruding on their "privacy". I can't imagine any of our children when asked "what are you guys doing" ever saying "None of your business"!! And I hope never to hear those words.

I guess I should probably put a "to be continued..." on this post because we only have four teenagers right now, six more to come. I'm sure we are not finished learning, because, Lord knows we are far from perfect. Lots of people have come to me and warned me about the teenage years, especially because we have three girls very close in age. "Just wait until they are teenagers." they would say. Well, I'm here...they are teenagers and I'm lovin'it!! Of course there are days full of hormones and tears, but they are talking to me about it and they know that home is a safe place where they are loved and accepted and cherished and I honestly believe there is no place they would rather be. If you don't believe me...ask them!!

Blessings,

Trina

Lessons in Tough

I recently had the opportunity to teach at our church about raising warriors, not wimps. As usual, I feel like I learned more than I taught. There is never enough time to teach all that I learned. Dan and I have always felt it was necessary to raise our children with a certain amount of physical fortitude. We don't spend a whole lot of time lamenting the injuries. In fact unless there is a bone sticking out, blood pulsing out, or a loss of consciousness, the kids know where the ice and the Bandaids are. Our children know that the biggest owie of the day gets a reward or at least a whole lot of recognition. "Rub some dirt on it." is a phrase you might hear one of my children say to another after a fall.  For the most part they don't even stop unless there is gravel embedded in the gash and then just long enough to wipe it off. In fact, I believe when it comes to "injury show and tell", Jordan proudly shows off the gravel that he carries in his hip to this day from a fall about ten years ago. Apparently he waited too long to wipe it off. 

As I studied to teach about raising warriors, I did some research on the computer. I looked up - Christian persecution in America 2009. I was stunned to find more examples than I had time to read. (you can look it up for yourself if you want) Suffice it to say that I now have a fire under me to make sure that my children know the Word of God and have the guts to stand up for it. I found out that in Virginia, it is illegal for the chaplains of the police department to pray in Jesus' name. In Colorado, they have made it illegal to print the bible because of the anti-homosexual content. The list goes on. So the question is how important is it to raise tough children? What is the world going to look like 20 or 30 years down the road. Will our pastors be allowed to pray in Jesus' name? Will our churches be allowed to possess bibles? Will we our children be allowed to raise their children according to the Word of God? Food for thought, huh?

Are you beginning to see why we may need to be intentional about our lessons in tough? As hard as it is to consider, our children are probably going to experience persecution on a greater level than we have (which is almost none). I want my children to be ready. That doesn't mean we are going to "practice" persecution or even talk a lot about it. 

I believe that our society has encouraged weakness in children. They are spending too much time indoors watching TV, playing video games or logging on to their favorite gaming website (hopefully that's all they are logging onto, another subject for another time). Send them outside!! Tell them to go out and get dirty!! The dirtier, the better!! And then celebrate the filth!!! If your worried about the dirt coming in, that's what the hose is for. What? The water is too cold? Tough!!! 

When I was growing up, we had big wheels and roller skates. Remember those? Do you know what happened to them? They put motors in them. Now even a two year old doesn't have to learn to peddle! They can get in the mini-jeep and push a button and it does the work for them!! Scooters, jeeps, quads and motorcycles can all be bought with a real motor that makes them go. Personally, the thought of my two year old, Max, behind the wheel of one of those bad boys sends chills down my spine. We don't own any battery-powered ride-on toys. My children have enough energy to make their toys go and, as far as I'm concerned, its energy meant to be burn outside not in my living room! 

Recently our oldest, Jordan, came home from college on break. He informed My husband and me that we had gone soft on our two younger boys, Hudson (10) and Payton (8). He said they were not as tough as he and Trevor had been at their age. I don't happen to agree, but that's OK. Jordan decided to institute something he called "Dude Cards". He made up 12 little cards that say DUDE on them. He gave 6 to Hudson and 6 to Payton and told them that if they do anything "girly" they will get a dude card taken away. The younger boys eagerly agreed and the fun began. In talking to them later, I discovered what constituted a "girly" thing. For instance, if you see a spider and scream like a girl, you will lose a dude card. If you sing and shake your bootie....dude card. And my favorite, if you skip away from a dude meeting....dude card. When they lose all of the dude cards, they get punched in the arm and called a "girl" and then get their dude cards back. 

Silly as this seems, it has made a big difference in our boys. I love that our older boys are taking responsibility for teaching their little brothers this kind of lesson. I love that they see the importance of it. I love that they have made it a priority in their lives. How important is it for our boys to know they are tough? Have you ever seen your boys puff up their chest and take pride in something? or even stick up for something or someone? That is what they should do!! That is what it takes to defend the Truth. 

Our boys need to grow up to be hard working, spiritually strong, Godly men who know how to be the leader of their family and stand up for what's right in their community. They need to be willing to do what it takes to provide for their family not matter what. So the question is, do your boys know how to work hard? Are they willing to break a sweat to get the job done? Maybe your boys are too young for that. If they can walk, they are old enough to learn to be tough!! If you are a mom who gasps every time your toddler toddles, consider a different response. When they fall, try saying "good job!". Wait and let them check for themselves. Encourage them to rub it or wipe dirt on it or do an owie dance or whatever helps them cope. You will be surprised by how resilient they can be. Our youngest rarely even slows down when he falls. The fall and recovery are all one movement and he seldom stops to check for any blood. His baths usually include a wound discovery time where he calls them to my attention, to which I always respond, "Wow, that's awesome!!!" I give him a high five and tell him how tough he is. 

When they are young, the girls are treated the same way. We do NOT have dude cards for the girls, but we celebrate injuries and their ability to overcome. They don't have a problem being tough. Eve took care of that. There is nothing pleasant about becoming a woman. It involves its own lessons in tough that we won't go into. Let's just say that they learn how to be tough in a different way and, so far, they have risen to the occasion (not that they had a choice!) 

I guess we should have a big "No Wimps Allowed" sign hanging on our door because we treat any visitor the same way. I have overheard our children telling the neighborhood children to get up and get over it so they can keep playing. The interesting thing about that is the visitors usually do get up and the fun continues.

After having spoken on this subject, I realized that regardless of what the future holds, I want my children to be spiritually, emotionally and physically strong. It is to their benefit and that of their future families. Jordan is studying to be a pastor. I realize now that that pastor who is standing in the pulpit of the future may need to have the guts to preach from the Word of God and pray in Jesus' name even if the law forbids it. Does he have what it takes to do that? Absolutely!! I am proud to say, he is proving his "Dudeitude". Trevor is hoping to be a firefighter and Hudson and Payton have only been punched once each since Christmas. They are quick studies!

Have a great day!!

Trina

ps. don't forget to visit our new website and see the services we offer. I have included a link (Fresh Perspective) under the picture of Max. Blessings!!!