Do you love them enough?

It's so very quiet at my house right now. Jordan is married and gone, Trevor, Madison, Moriah and Hannah are all participating in the Amazing Race at church. Hudson and Payton are at the “Lizard Church” with their friend, Abbey and Bailey went to a friend's soccer game and Dan took Max to the store. Phew! All I can hear is the sound of the dryer running, which, by the way, is music to my ears. It has been broken for the last week and just got fixed yesterday. You can imagine the massive pile of laundry that is waiting to be washed and an even bigger pile waiting to be folded. Instead, I am going to take advantage of this quiet moment to write down a few thoughts that have been “stewing” in my mind for the last couple of weeks.

All throughout our parenting journey, God has brought influential people into our lives at just the right time. Many of our questions about how to deal with different circumstances have been answered either by these people or by the example of their lives. When Jordan and Trevor were little and Madison hadn't even crossed our minds, we moved to Fresno for Dan to attend college. We found a church and a Sunday School class and began to form friendships. One of our most cherished, was the relationship we formed with the couple who taught our class. They were just older than us and had four amazing boys, the youngest of which was around ten and the oldest was in high school.

We watched this family do life. We watched how they played together, enjoyed, taught and cheered for each other. We modeled our family after them, because we saw so much that we liked in their boys. They were responsible, respectful, and fun to be with. And they loved the Lord! What more could you ask?

As time passed these boys grew up and left for college and our family grew as well. One Sunday morning, we were sitting in class. One of their sons who had finished college and was on his way to a career in professional baseball stood in front of us holding the hand of his girlfriend. Through tears, he said, “We need to make an apology.” The class was silent. No one knew what he was talking about. He went on, “We have been selfish, and now we are pregnant.” We were stunned. How could this have happened? We thought they had done everything right. We thought their family was perfect. Now what were we going to do? Our boys were eight and ten, we had planned on doing things just the way that they had. (Please don't misunderstand, the son and his girlfriend got married and now have a beautiful family. And we know there is forgiveness.)

Our parenting world had been shaken that day. We had never talked to this couple about what they had taught their boys about dating and intimacy. Up until then our concern had been about how to get our kids to obey and how to build a relationship with them that included Christ. So we decided to sit down with them and find out what they had done and what they thought they could have done differently. Thankfully, they were more than willing to talk with us. They never wanted anyone to think they were perfect or that they had all the answers. They were willing to do life with people, good or bad. Even today, I thank God for the example they set for us; not only in the good times, but also in the times of great difficulty.

Their answers to our questions came down to one thing: they should have said... They should have said something when they saw him getting too close to her. They should have been more specific in their teaching. You can't just say “sex is wrong outside of marriage” There is so much more to be said and they should have said it all. Watching them agonize over words unspoken was heart-breaking. Again, we were so thankful that they were willing to be open and vulnerable and we learned so much in those moments.

Dan and I went home from that meeting and spent hours talking about how we were going to handle this with our family. We decided that we needed to not only teach our children what is right and what is wrong, but to also equip them to flee temptation or avoid it completely. Dan decided to have “the talk” with Jordan and he decided it would be better to do it sooner than later. He gave him all the facts and told him what God expected him to do. He made sure that he knew what we expected of him and left no stone unturned. When he was finished he asked Jordan what he thought and all he said was “That's Gross!!!” And that was good. That is exactly what we expected him to say at ten years of age. Dan assured Jordan that someday he would not think it was gross anymore. I'm not sure Jordan believed Dan, but the words had been said. At 10, I think Jordan was thankful that dad had said “not until you get married” because that gave him at least 10 years to get used to the idea of these “disgusting” things.

And so it has gone since then. Each child, somewhere around 10 years of age, gets to go out and get disgusted. Dan has gone with the boys and I have gone with the girls. One of the many things I told the girls is that its as if, when they were born, that God gave us a beautiful jar; sealed and wrapped with an enormous bow. This jar is stuffed full with all kinds of candy. Each of those pieces of candy represents a kiss that belongs to you husband. For now, Dad is the keeper of your jar. He will keep it safe until you are ready to give it to your spouse. This concept seemed to be one that the girls could grasp. And just like Jordan, they were thankful that they had some time to get used to the idea. I also know that they have all been thankful that Dan has control and is their protection from boys that will come and longingly look into that jar.

We told the kids that they may not start dating until they are ready to get married. This may seem extreme and I know it puts us in that “freak” category. Yes, we are the freaks that don't let their kids date, at least not in high school. Here's the important thing, though. We did not tell them this as a rule for them to obey. We told them all the “why's” that go with it. Among other things, when you date before you are ready to get married, you are entering into temptation, and when you break up with that person (and you will break up with them), you are practicing divorce.

Let's just talk for a moment about high school relationships. Let's say they are sophomores who are 15 years old. They meet and are convinced that this is “the one”. They are completely consumed by one another. All the while, giving pieces of their heart away. So if they are indeed “the one”, they will spend two more years in high school. Even if they were to get married right out of high school, they will have spent two full years together. Unless your children are endowed with some super natural power to resist temptation, their relationship will more than likely become physical. And then what? How many high school relationships do you know of that ended in marriage? Maybe a handful. Maybe none. The likelihood is that they will break up. The pain associated with a high school break up is equal to that of a divorce.

I would also like to address another myth about dating. We have heard this comment from many people: “If your children don't date, they will not learn how to have a relationship”. Our children are learning about healthy, Godly relationships by watching Dan and I and the other married couples in our circle of friends. However and more importantly, I believe that their relationships with their siblings are an even better preparation for a marriage relationship. Hear me out. Who else will you share a room with? Who else will you share a bathroom with? Who else will you share most of your meals with? Who else will tell you when you have food in your teeth or your breath stinks? Who else will teach you how to ignore the things that irritate you? Who else will love you unconditionally? I tell my children that their relationship with their siblings is more important that any other friendship, because your brothers and sister will always be your brothers and sisters. We also tell them that when they get married it is forever. Your husband or wife will be your husband or wife forever. Divorce is not an option.

Fast forward a few years to this past summer. Just as Dan said he would, Jordan changed his mind and those things weren't so disgusting anymore. He found his wife, married her and they shared their first kiss on their wedding day. They can both fully give themselves to the other with no regrets. Neither of them had given even one kiss to any other. Her jar was still beautifully wrapped and he had not taken what did not belong to him.

So what is the purpose of this post? It is certainly not to talk about how we've done things perfectly. Far from it. I am writing because God has laid on my heart a tremendous burden for my children and your children. I have talked to so many parents about issues that they deal with when their children are young: Obedience, potty training, attitude, schedules, teaching... I have not really talked about this because I guess I felt it was slightly taboo. We homeschool our children, so I imagined people giving me the answers like “that's fine for your kids because they don't go to school, so they don't have the pressure of all of the other kids who are allowed to date.” or “its part of their high school experience”...

And just to clear up the myth that home schooled children don't have the same pressure as public school kids. Our children are involved in all kinds of activities where they have opportunity. Youth group, sports, school (our charter school has a campus where our older kids spend quite a bit of time). Our oldest daughter has already had quite a few interested boys to whom she has said, “I'm not going to date until I am ready to get married”. The boys don't understand, but she sticks to her guns because she knows its not worth the time and emotional energy.

Dear friends, this burden that I feel far out weighs the possible worldly judgement I may experience. I have been counseling a young person recently, not one of my own. I have watched as a relationship connected this person to another in an emotional way that neither of them were ready for. I have watched how painful it has been for this person to tear themselves out of that relationship and reunite with Christ. I started to realize the true damage that can be done. I have been able to be a support and encourager throughout the process.

Then a friend sent me a video that absolutely dropped me to the floor. It is a stark depiction of the battle for our children. I realized why I felt this burden so heavily. I realized as I watched this video that it was very close to the story of my life. Please take the time now to watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8IfgS9ZXQE

The very thing that pulled her away from Christ was a boy. That's where it started. It seemed harmless at first. After all, everyone in high school is doing it. But look where it went. Not only that, but I want you to really watch how hard it was for her to get back to Christ. Those things pulled on her, dragged her back, blocked her way, and threw her down. She was beaten and tormented. Only when Christ stepped in and took the beating did she find redemption. Please understand that I am not saying that if your children are in a relationship in high school that it will lead to all of those other things. But it will cause them to take their eyes off of Christ. My own story is very similar and I know that, although I didn't follow the exact path that she did, it was very difficult to find my way back and I just don't want my children to experience such pain.

I love my children. I love them enough to have the tough conversations about sex and what it does outside of marriage. I love my children enough to make the hard choice not to let them date. I love my children enough to give them the opportunity to avoid the Hell represented in this video. I love my children enough to show them what a healthy marriage looks like. I love them enough to say “you're getting too close” or ”you may not be alone together”.

So far, our children understand. They have all been “on board”. Jordan and Desiree agreed that they should not be alone. And now Trevor is following the same rules. My hope is that all of our children will follow Jordan's example. We have a long way to go, but we are ready for the task. My hope and prayer is that you will consider this for your children. It means praying for them, talking to them, and sometimes making them uncomfortable. As far as I can tell, it is worth it!!

So it's my turn to sit outside Max's room while he decides that it is better for him to stay in his bed than to get out meet Mr. Consequence. It is about 90 degrees here in the hallway (no exaggeration, the AC isn't working in the back end of the house). My mind is swirling with all the things left to do in preparation for Jordan's big day; His wedding, less than two weeks away.

In the recent weeks, we have struggled trying to figure out how we can make this event all that it should be. In a sense, tradition has been thrown out the window. The current economic conditions have reeked havoc on not only our family but the bride's family as well. So we are all in this together and are making due with what we have. Much has been donated but much has yet to be paid for. And some things we will go without.

I have had sleepless nights caused by the feelings of stress and guilt for our lack of the ability to provide all the details that would make this the most amazing day of Jordan and Desiree's lives. The guilt that comes with not being able to help them pay for a honeymoon that would start their marriage off on the right foot. The guilt that they have had to sacrifice (without complaint) some of their dreams of what this day would look like because we can't afford to help them.

Up until this last weekend, I had felt buried. I had felt like a child whose blanket tent collapsed and now is flailing trying to find the way out. The child can hear her daddy calling and knows he is near, but she can't quite get out from under the layers she had so skillfully crafted so she could see him.

I was that child. I was buried under “details”. Details like: “is it ok not to give everyone a spoon? We're not serving anything that should be eaten with a spoon so would people be offended by not getting a spoon?” or “is it ok to toast with pink lemonade or must we get sparkling cider for everyone? (its silly I know, just bear with me) These were the things that had buried me to the point that I could not see God.

I knew God was there, I could hear His voice, but I just couldn't see Him...Until this weekend.

My younger sister thought it would be a good idea to have a weekend at my parents' mountain house with Desiree and her mom and sister. It was going to be a weekend that would include myself, my three older daughters, my two sisters and their daughters and my mom. It was going to be a time to build relationships before the wedding so that when that day came we would not all be strangers. Let's call it a “Welcome to the Family” weekend.

The wedding details had consumed last week and before I knew it, it was Thursday and Dan and I were trying to figure out how I was going to get myself and my girls up to the cabin. You see, our van is a gas guzzler, our more economical Mazda wasn't running, and our Honda's tires were too bald to drive. Dan handed me some money and said “This is all we have. Its enough to fill the tank in the van or get tires on the Honda and enough gas to get you there. Go get tires on the Honda”. I went to the tire store and told the guy how much I could spend and that I needed two tires...nothing more, nothing less. After looking at the tires on the Honda and telling me how bad they were, he proceeded to try to sell me the whole skinkin' store. Maybe he didn't hear me. I reiterated the amount of money and my need for only two tires. After refusing his attempts at in-store financing, I was finally able to make him understand my plight. His final offer was more than I had in my hand. I stood at the counter with a decision to make : panic or trust God. At that moment I chose to trust God. I walked out without the tires and prayed all the way home that God would show me His will. Within a few hours, we had all piled into Desiree's mom's suburban and we were on our way together.

The three hour ride was the first of many blessings this weekend. It was a great time to talk and share family stories and laugh. And it was just a taste of what we could expect for the rest of the weekend. We did lots of girl things; watched 27 Dresses, ate food, talked about boys, ate food, and went to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Saturday, we showered Desiree with gifts. She is now a prepared bride with something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.... She is prepared to strain veggies, make spaghetti and slice avocados. (by the way...I want one of those avocado slicers!!) We swam, ate, played games, and ate some more.

Still, I had this feeling that I was buried. I could hear God, I knew He is there. I could feel Him in the laughter, but I just couldn't see Him.

After dinner on Saturday night, my sister suggested that we pray for Desiree and Jordan and for their future together. So all eleven of us gathered around Desiree and we began to pray. I closed my eyes. My sister prayed, then silence. My other sister prayed and then was joined by Desiree's mom. More silence. I prayed and expected that we would be done. The next silence was broken by my oldest daughter Madison, then my niece Catherine and finally Desiree through tears offered a prayer of thanksgiving. While she was praying, I opened my eyes. I looked at Madison and saw tears rolling down her cheeks. I was my sisters and nieces with their hands on Desiree's shoulders and I saw Desiree holding her mother's hand. At that very moment...I saw God. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

All of the “details” faded away and I saw what was important. Who cares if our guests get spoons and who cares if we toast with pink lemonade. I found my way out from under the blankets!! I can see God!! I know what is important!! God is bringing two souls together forever for His Glory!!! Thank you, God, for showing me your face. It is beautiful...

An Unexpected Blessing

I had a very interesting Mother's Day. It started with lots of "Happy Mother's Day" wishes from all of my children. The rest of the day was pretty low key and relaxed. We were all sitting outside before dinner when there was a knock at the door. It was D (a little boy that lives in our neighborhood) wanting to wish me a happy mother's Day. We told the kids to invite him in to hang out with us until dinner was ready. After one more trip to the door, the kids came back to tell us that he had asked to stay for dinner. Sure! What's one more plate at the table, right?

So we set another place and D joined us. He was very somber for a long time. Nevertheless, we included him in our meal: steak, salad, bread, prayer, and lots of conversation... As often is the case at our dinner table, laughter erupted. I looked over to see how D was doing and saw a little smile that soon turned into laughter. He stayed at our house until the street lights came on and my boys walked him home (a ritual that happens about 4 nights a week).

Let me help you better understand where D comes from. Two years ago he lost his big brother in a bike vs. car accident. A year later his world was shattered again when his father took his mother's life. He has been a part of our lives since shortly after he lost his mom. He plays here, eats here, works here, gets disciplined here and he keeps coming back! I have been blessed today by a little boy who is not my own. He blessed me with three words that, coming from him, meant so much. I thank God for my children who all loved on me today in different ways. I also thank God for a little added perspective on what being a mother is all about.

Be Blessed today!!

Trina

Don't doubt

I know that there are lots of preconceived ideas about our family. Mostly because the general public doesn't spend a lot of time hanging out at our house. The only time people see us is at church or school or at the park, etc...where our children are on their best behavior. It would be easy to make the mistake of thinking that our children behave like angels at home too, but home is the training ground and therefore the place where the boundaries are tried and tested. In an effort to “keep it real” I thought it would be a good idea to share some of our current struggles and how we are dealing with them.

Maximus is our youngest. He is such a blessing. I know that God gave me Max to keep me humble and help me remember what it's like to raise a high-energy, independent, fearless yet trainable little boy. Max is two and loves adventure, especially the kind that happens outside. He recently figured out that if he moved something close enough to the door that he could climb up and open the bolt lock that, up until this time, had been his barrier to the outside world. Not long ago, we were busy schooling and, as I do all day every day, I sounded the “where's Max” alarm. Nothing good happens in the absence of his noise so we immediately began to search. Initially, the inside was covered and Max was nowhere to be found, so we all went in a different direction outside. I went out the front door and started walking down the street. Before I could get out of our yard, I heard his little voice. At first it was difficult to figure out where the sound was coming from, but I could tell that he was not in distress. I followed the sweet sound of what I could now decipher as singing. We live on a little more than two acres so it took me a little while to get to him. As I came around the back I could see him clearly. He was in the far back corner of the property, sitting on the top of the well pump. He was facing away from me swinging his legs and singing a song, totally oblivious to the fact that we had been searching for him.

Despite our efforts to contain him, he managed to escape again after that. I realized at that point that I was going to need to be proactive. I decided that everyday for a week when Max woke up, I would take him to the door with a wooden spoon in my hand (a “consequence” with which he is well-acquainted). I would point to the door and tell him “no”. I would explain to him in as few words as possible that he may not go outside without someone big. Then I would make him point to the door and say “no, no”. As always, I had doubts that these tactics would work (I'm not sure why...I see results everyday), but I would be diligent to make it happen. ( just a side note: I believe doubt keeps parents from doing what the know they need to do)

I began on a Monday and by Wednesday he had stopped going out the door. There was even a time when I secretly followed him to the back door and witnessed what I believe is one of the small miracles of motherhood. He walked to the door and stood there staring, contemplating his next move. I waited, ready to issue the appropriate consequences. Then...music to my ears...he pointed to the door and said “no, no”!! and he walked away!! Praise the Lord!!! He got it!!! Why did I ever doubt?

As with all two year olds, Max needs reminders. About once a week I take him to the door and we have a refresher course on what will happen if he goes out the door by himself. And as with all two year olds, he tests us to see if that boundary still remains. He is a smart little guy who needs adventure. We make sure that he gets a chance as often as possible to go outside and play. He loves running and climbing and getting really dirty and that is OK. God created that in him and will use that to His glory someday. I'm not sure how, but I will cling to that and do my job. Train him, guide him and keep him around long enough to see how God uses him.

Blessings,

Trina

The Long Drive Home

This past Saturday, Dan, Jordan and I drove down to Los Angeles to send Jordan off for a semester in Israel. Dan had driven down in the wee hours of the morning so it was my turn to take the wheel so he could get some rest. As he slept, I had several hours to reflect on how far we've come since Jordan was born.

When we found out that we were expecting our first baby, I remember being ecstatic. We were so excited at the thought of actually starting our family. Will it be a boy or a girl? Will he look like Dan or like me? What color will his hair be? What will it be like to care of a baby that is my own? What kind of mother will I be? How am I going to do this? Oh, no....The excitement soon turned to the realization that I was going to be the number one person this baby would depend on for everything. I also realized that I had minimal experience as a parent ...ok no experience. A sense of panic set in. How could I possibly give him everything he needs? How will I even know what he needs?....

So I began to pray.

I prayed for the usual things a mother might pray: that he would be strong and healthy, that he would have all of his fingers and toes. I prayed that we would be diligent in teaching him the word of God and that he would come to know Christ at a young age. And just to cover all the bases, I prayed that God would give me wisdom in all the areas that I was lacking (which were many).

Jordan was born on March 24, 1990. We brought him home and began to care for and love him. During one of his feedings in the early morning before the sun was up, I remember sitting in the rocking chair in his room. I loved those quiet, peaceful moments. I spent a lot of that time just thanking God for the blessing that He had given us. As I held him in my arms I realized that at that moment, somewhere in the world, someone could be holding a little baby girl who may someday grow up to be his wife. I was overwhelmed with that thought and was compelled to begin to pray for her. I started praying the same prayers for her that I did for my own son; that she be healthy and strong, that she be well taken care of and safe, and that she be raised in a Christian home where she will be taught the word of God and come to know Him at an early age.

My prayers for her have changed as Jordan changed. As I saw his personality emerge, I prayed for his future wife. I knew she would need to be a good listener because Jordan liked to talk. I knew that she would need to be humble because Jordan had an unusual sense of humility. At age 12, when he decided to become a pastor, my prayers for her changed. I knew that it would take a very special woman to be the wife of a pastor. It would take someone independent and strong, yet endearing and friendly.

In the Spring of 2008, we noticed Jordan paying special attention to a certain young lady. Her parents noticed as well and her father called and asked Dan, Jordan and myself over for dinner. We spent the evening getting to know them and having a discussion about what it looks like to have a Christian dating relationship. At one point in the evening I excused myself to use the restroom. As I walked down the hallway, I noticed all of the pictures. As many families do, they had a beautiful collection of photos of all of their children. I admired their handsome family and moved on.

Jordan and Desiree spent that summer getting to know each other. Under the watchful eyes of both families, they developed a special friendship and then, sadly, said goodbye in the fall when Jordan went away to school. They continued to nurture their long-distance relationship throughout the year and continued to see each other throughout the next summer. By the time Jordan was ready to go back to school again, we knew what his intentions were. He expressed to us his desire to make Desiree his wife. We told him to pray and ask God for guidance and timing and all of the details that would be involved in such a proposal. By Thanksgiving, Jordan had a ring and during Christmas break, he proposed to Desiree and she accepted.

Shortly after that, Dan, Jordan and I were invited to her parents house. Once again we sat down over a meal just as we had done a year and a half earlier, except this time we were planning a wedding!! We reminisced about the first time we sat around that table and how much fun the last 18 months had been. We talked about their future together and how God is faithful and will provide for all things.

I excused myself from the table, except this time it was not to visit the restroom. I slowly walked down the hallway looking at each picture. I quickly found what I had been looking for. I found the sweet face of the baby girl I had been praying for 19 years ago. I found the pretty little girl who would be a good listener. I found the teenager who would be strong and independent and I found the beautiful, humble, young woman who will be my son's bride.

19 years ago I began to pray for this faceless person as an expectant mother prays for a baby she has yet to meet. God is faithful! I have met her and she is beautiful! Her name is Desiree and we are happy to add her to our family.

So why did I name this post "The Long Drive Home"? It might seem as though it was the drive home from LA that prompted the name. But as I thought through the last 19 years, it has been a long drive. We prayed so specifically and God answered so specifically. We pray consistently and God answer consistently. We prayed unswervingly and God answer unswervingly. I have seen the answers and have hope for answers with my other children. I am currently traveling down 9 other roads, each with their own set of prayers. I can't wait to see God's faithfulness in His choice of the other 9 spouses.

Blessings!

Trina