Two years ago, Dan and I made the very difficult decision to put some of our children into public school. The reasons are many and different for each child, (a subject for another day). This is the beginning of our third year in public school. Overall, our experience has been very good. The kids have adjusted and done very well.
I do feel that I need to make one clarification about our motivations to home school in the first place. Our decision to home school our children was not made out of an effort to protect or shelter them from the evils of this world, though there are many. Our decision was made so that we would be able to give them a firm foundation and prepare them for what the world has to offer; good and bad, and equip them to make wise biblical decisions for themselves.
Ultimately, though, “shelter” happens….No matter how hard you try, kids who are schooled at home will be sheltered from many things that public school children experience. In an attempt to prepare our kids for what they might experience in public school, we spent lots of time talking. We discussed what it would be like to sit in a classroom with 30+ other kids, what kind of language would be used in the locker room, and how to make wise friend choices. We talked to them about anything we could imagine that they might experience.
And of course, we talked about relationships. We have always talked about relationships. From the time they were very little, we talked about saving all their kisses for the husband or wife. We spoke about guarding their heart and not giving away pieces that belonged to their future spouse. We talked about making the choice not to start dating until they were ready to think about getting married. (In a post in 2010 called “Do You Love Them Enough” I wrote how and why we did this.)
With public school come public school dances. I realize and have heard this many times, “We’re just going as a group of friends.” And I understand this philosophy. I also remember the dances I attended when I was in school. I remember the awkward Jr. high dance where the boys would all be on one side of the gym while the girls stood on the other side of the gym. Eventually the poor boy whole drew the short straw would bravely make his way across the great divide and ask the “question”. It seemed as though he was moving in slow motion and all of the girls were wondering the same thing; Who was he going to ask. As soon as he made his choice, others would follow and eventually many would be coupled and dancing. That was the soul purpose of going to a dance. The fast dances were fun, but the slow dances were the pinnacle. And if you were so lucky as to get asked to dance by a boy you liked to a song called “Stairway to Heaven”….Well, you’d have just died and gone to …Heaven.
Many years ago, if you had asked me if I would allow my kids to go to school dances, I would have enthusiastically answered “Yes”. In fact, one of my reservations of home schooling was that my kids would never get to experience a dance. However, I have learned so much and realized the importance of preserving those special “died and gone to heaven” feelings for the one you will spend the rest of your life with. In that gym in junior high school, tiny little pieces of my heart were being given to a thirteen year old boy who didn't deserve them.
From the first day of public school, both of our high schoolers received very unexpected attention from students of the opposite sex. And within the first week, one had been asked to a dance. I was completely unprepared for this. I had not anticipated this kind of attention and I certainly didn’t expect them to be asked to a dance so soon. Fortunately, they were just as surprised and responded by saying, “No thank you.” When I heard what had happened, coupled with my child’s response, I was relieved. “Phew!”, I thought. “Dodged that bullet!” We talked about it and laughed about it and we moved on. The year progressed. Other dances that came and went without invitation or desire to attend. So I though we were good. Year two came and with it came a second invitation. Only this time the invitation came in the form of a proposal….complete with a sign….with a poem….candy….and soda. And if that’s not bad enough, it all went down in front of several PE classes seated in the gym. So what could be said?! In an effort not to embarrass, humiliate, degrade this poor soul, my child said “Yes”. I received a phone call at lunch that day. The voice on the other end was my mildly frantic high schooler trying to help me understand the situation, trying to help me see the absolute necessity for the answer they provided, while at the same time, asking me to provide the “out”. Without hesitation, I responded “you can’t go”….There was a pause on the other end of the phone, then “Thanks, Mom.”
“I’m sorry. My parents said I can’t go.” And that was that.…
Until this year…. While our feelings about dances haven’t changed, our kids have gotten older and the idea of going to a dance has become more appealing to them. And another invitation was looming. One of our kids got a text from a friend of a friend, asking if said friend were to ask, would the answer be “yes”. Our child responded by saying “I have to ask my parents but it sounds like fun. I will let you know what they say”. We discussed the situation and decided to sleep on it and decide in the morning. Believe me, we were tempted to say yes. I caught wind that there was going to be another “proposal” similar to the “candy gram in front to the PE classes” proposal. We were able to stop that train before it left the station and didn't let the proposal happen.
For whatever reason, whether it was God or just my own concern for the gravitational pull towards worldly norms, this trend is alarming to me. What are we teaching our children? I want more than anything for my children to follow God. Part of that is that in the future their marriage would be honoring to God. What I believe is happening is that we are cheapening those relationships by allowing them to “pretend” marriage long before they are ready. They get involved with one another before they are able to control their thoughts and emotions. Let’s face it, its hard enough as an adult to do that, what leads us to believe our children are ready to handle such things. As I said in my “Do you love them enough” post, high school relationships are like “practicing divorce”. So we allow them to practice proposals, emotional and physical relationships, and ultimately… divorce.
When I was a child, I remember the things I looked forward to, the things my older sister got to do ahead of me. I remember the feeling of anticipation as I waited to be “old enough”. And I know the anticipation made those experiences that much sweeter. If my parents had given me everything I wanted when I wanted it, I would not have valued those times nearly as much. I want that for my children. I want them to have time to anticipate…dream… I don’t want it to be “normal”. I want them to experience that excitement of their first date, first proposal, first kiss….
My point is not that we shouldn’t allow our kids to go to dances. My point is not that we shouldn’t “allow” our children to date until a certain age. My point is that we should be teaching our children that God has a plan for their life and that His plan will most likely involve getting married at some point in the future. Please let me make myself clear. Whether or not your children date before they are ready to get married is NOT going to jeopardize they’re salvation. This is not one of those issues, but if you are anything like me, you want what’s best for your children. You want them to be in God’s will and to be happy. I also don’t believe that someone who intentionally waits to date until they are thinking about marriage will necessarily marry the first person they date. I believe that they will have to invest emotionally in someone who may not end up being their future spouse. But I do not want to encourage my children to create or accept an elaborate proposal (some more fancy than a marriage proposal) to a dance…in high school….as friends.
I apologize if I have offended anyone, that is not my goal. My goal is to challenge you to consider another way, have open conversations with your children no matter what their age, and finally, to think outside the box.
I asked our oldest son, Jordan, if he would consider reading this post and then writing about his experience as it pertains to dating and relationships. Here is his response:
I’m sure some of you still have your doubts. I get that a lot. When I explain to people that I didn’t date in high school I often receive concerns like, “how did you learn about relationships without starting in high school?” “Wasn’t it awkward when you finally had your first kiss?” “Do you resent your parents for not allowing you to do what all your friends were doing?” And since I get those reactions on a regular basis I have no doubt that those questions, and others, are swirling around in your mind. My hope is that a first-hand account may help to shed a little light into this “strange” upbringing.
Let’s start with a very valid question,”who is this guest contributor on Trina’s blog?” My name is Jordan. I am 24 years old. I have been married to my amazing wife Desiree for 4 years now. I graduated from The Master’s College in 2012 and am currently pursuing a career with Chick-fil-A. I am the oldest, and formally tallest (see Payton), child of Dan and Trina Short; and as all of those things I am the perfect person to tell you about the value of the way I was raised.
When I was younger, back when girls had cooties, my parents told me that I was not allowed to date or kiss; and that was fine by me. After all, kissing was gross! I grew up with that simple rule and life was good. But then my perspective on life began to change. I began to change. A funny thing happened next: girls got pretty. I found myself an awkward preteen with acne and growing pains and this strange new appreciation for the opposite sex. This was also the time that my dad recognized the need for more than just a hard and fast no dating, no kissing rule; the need for a deeper explanation about why. He told me about God’s design for relationships and intimacy and that I was not ready for that type of relationship yet so I shouldn’t even try to pretend. This logic sounded good to my junior high brain and so that was that. It actually made a very awkward stage of life just a bit easier. My parents had essentially taken a lot of pressure off of me by just explaining the basics. While a lot of my friends were concerned with girls and dates and dances, I didn’t care. I had a clear rule and it was explained to me simply so that I could understand. It also made it so that I was a lot less awkward around girls because I wasn’t trying hard to impress and I wasn’t worried about lying to my friends about how many girls I had kissed or anything like that. This is the part of the story where I usually get the first tilted heads and puzzled looks. People don’t understand how I could have possibly learned to interact with the opposite sex without the “normal” first experiences that come at that stage of life. But to be honest, because I didn’t feel the need to engage in the customary social practices of junior high I was able interact with girls on a very real level. That was the time when I first started learning how to be a gentleman.
A lot of you are probably thinking something like, “Well sure it was easy not to date in junior high. But that’s nothing compared to the pressures of high school.” And you would be right. There was a lot more pressure to date in high school both from kids who wanted me to be just like everybody else and from, shall we say, ‘interested parties.’ But again it was my parents who gave me an outlet for my frustrations and the strength and understanding to continue. The big difference in high school however was that in order to stand, these convictions about relationships had to be my own. My father understood this and began having conversations with me about what it meant to be a man who has put his faith in the words and works of Christ, what it meant to be a follower of Christ, and what it meant to honor God and others; especially to honor women. Mom and Dad talked with me a lot about what a God-honoring relationship between a man and a woman looked like and why I needed to continue to grow and mature spiritually in order to experience that. It was through these interactions with my parents that I came to completely agree with their opinions in regards to dating. And it was because I held these convictions as my own that I was able to have great conversations with kids my age about why I chose not date. It wasn’t always easy; in fact sometimes it was downright difficult. I struggled with peer pressure and different temptations; I had my failures and issues too. But the Christian walk isn’t supposed to be easy and my parents had prepared me for this fact. They had given me the tools to handle the pressures and temptations so that more often than not I was able to avoid the compromising situations all together.
Now I hope you have noticed the distinction that I have very purposefully made between my younger experiences with my parents and the ones from high school because this is something that has made a big difference in my walk with Christ, my relationship with my family, and my life choices. When I was a child they told me what to do and I needed to obey. When I was in junior high they told me what to do and explained why I had to do it, and I needed to obey. When I was in high school they had conversations with me about their beliefs, they talked with me about why they held them, and I had to choose what I was going to believe and consequently act upon. The way in which my parents related to me had to mature as I matured. They needed to make the deliberate transition from speaking to me as a child to conversing with me as an adult so that I might be a man who could make wise choices. As you will all certainly remember, the transition between adolescence and adulthood is a tricky time that requires parents to diligently balance their involvement with their restraint; to balance their instruction for the child with their trust in the child. My mom always put it this way: a high school kid is like a watermelon seed. If you hold too loosely it will slip through your fingers, but if you squeeze too tightly it will fly out of your hand. And while this may seem to complicate your parenting plans a bit, trust me, it’s worth the effort. And don’t worry; teenagers can be surprisingly forgiving if you are willing to be honest about your faults. Trust that God will honor your efforts with your kids: that He will allow your instruction to resonate deeply, that He will multiply His wisdom in you, and that He will captivate the hearts of your children. And, and difficult as it will be, trust your teens to abide by the convictions that God has brought them to. Corrections may be necessary (as they are for us all) but ultimately the respect, responsibility and guidance you give them will be used by God to bring forth fruit and maturity. Of course I understand that this little tangent I just took may seem like a departure from what I’m supposed to be writing about but I believe that this is a very important part of the “how” to grow your teens into adults who strive to honor God especially in the area of relationships with the opposite sex. But now back to the “why.”
The fact of the matter is that I chose not to date until I was ready to get married. That means that I went through junior high without learning how to flirt. I went through high school without any practice for dating, proposing or intimacy. I had zero experience with holding hands, I didn’t know how to ask a girl out, and I had never kissed anyone. I had to stand against very strong pressure and even ridicule. But that also means that I went through adolescence without the practice of divorce. I saved many of those relationship “firsts” for the girls that I was considering marrying. I learned to be a true gentleman because I wasn’t just trying to push relationships with the opposite sex. My relationship with my parents grew into one built on trust and understanding that has enhanced my experiences with, and opinions of, them even into adulthood. And most importantly, my personal relationship with God has been challenged, strengthened, and allowed to mature and bear fruit. I do understand that I am extremely blessed to have met my wife very early in life and without dating any other women; and I am not suggesting that your children will marry the first person they date because they waited or that they must never give any of those “firsts” to anyone but their spouse. I am, however, saying that if they date for the purpose of finding a spouse and wait until they are mature enough to understand and recognize the traits of a godly man or woman, that they will be giving those “firsts” to people who deserve them. Because I waited to date until I was ready for marriage and looking for a godly wife, even if things hadn’t worked out with Desiree, the fact that I found her to be worthy of that kind of affection meant that she was worth saving those “firsts” for. You may think that I missed out on all the fun and excitement of taking a date to a dance, or the valuable experiences of first dates and first kisses before “the real thing” when it actually mattered, or that I should resent my parents for not allowing me to have a “normal” adolescence; and maybe you’re right. But here’s what I know: I have never been involved in a nasty breakup, I have never had my name slandered because of the high school rumor mill, I have never given a girl a bad reputation because of the gossip I shared about her, I learned from a young age what it meant to honor and love women as sisters in Christ, I had the maturity and conviction to resist physical temptation when I did choose to date, I understood the importance of making Christ the center of the relationship once I started dating, and I have loved only one woman. Sounds like a worthwhile trade to me.
I’m not sure there is anything else I can add to that. God will be honored when you make choices that put Him first; in your own lives and the lives of your children. The pull towards the things of this world is strong, but the will of God for us to be in this world, not of this world is stronger. Teach your children, model for them, and then walk with them. “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” 3 John 1:4
