Roller Coaster Ride

Dan and I have been parents now for 23 years. We have learned so much over the course of time that it''s hard to focus my writing on one area. I guess thats why, when I sit down at the computer and my mind is flooded with so many subject, stories, lessons I can’t decide where to start. 

Today, the beginning sounds like a good place to start. I have often been asked why we have ten children. “Did you start out your marriage wanting ten children?” “Did you come from a big family?” “Are you Mormon or Catholic?” “Are you crazy?”

To answer these questions superficially would be easy. “No”, “No”, “marginally”, “No”, and “certifiable”. But to really give a good answer, I would need to give some back ground. 

When I was six and in the first grade my younger sister, Julie, was born. When I found out my mom was expecting her,  I could not have been more excited. I went to school every day from the time I found out and told my teacher that my mom had had the baby last night. Of course my teacher new that she wasn’t due until January so she would correct me and redirect me to a more “constructive” activity.  

Eventually, the day came. I was in an assembly with all of the first graders and a teacher interrupted and called me to the front of the class. She told me my dad was waiting outside for me. I ran as fast as I could to meet him. He told me the wonderful news that Julie Elizabeth had been born and I was a big sister for the second time. 

I don’t even remember if I went back to school and the rest of the time my mom was in the hospital was a blur. But I have clear memories of the feelings I had when Julie came home for the first time. I just stared at her. She was absolutely perfect. Her skin was the softest thing I had ever touched and she smelled so sweet. I had a hard time keeping my hands off of her. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t do a very good job, because my parents bought me a kitten in hopes that I would leave my little sister alone. I don’t think it worked, but my little sister survived my “love” and is a beautiful wife and mother today. 

My love for babies didn'’t end with my sister. I would work in the church nursery every chance I got. I couldn't wait to be old enough to babysit on my own. When that time did come, I babysat every chance I got and loved every minute of it. I remember after one evening of babysitting, I was in the car with the children'’s father. He told me how thankful he was for me and that I had a real knack for taking care of babies. His next words still ring in my ears, “Trina, I bet someday your going to have six kids!” I laughed at him then. Little did he know that those words were prophetic.......only he under estimated. 

Many years later, I met my husband, Dan. We fell in love and made plans for a wedding. As many do, we talked about our future; a house and a family. We talked about how many children we would have. Three, possibly four, but that was pushing it. You see, my husband is an only child and, where he saw the value of having more than one, he knew his limits and four was the limit. I was happy with that because there were four children in my family and that worked out pretty well for us, so it was settled; three or four. 

At this point, looking back, I can see God looking down on us and saying, “Oh ye of little faith. I have much bigger plans for you than that.” Of course, there is a reason that we can’t see what God’s plans are ahead of time. If I had been told at that point in my life that God planned for us to have ten children, I probably would have run away screaming. God was right not to let me in on his little secret, I didn’t have enough faith to have ten children. I didn’t have enough patience or strength or courage to have ten. God, in his wisdom, just said “three or four sounds great. You just get started.” And so we did. Jordan came first in March of 1990. Then, as most “normal” people do, we waited the perfect 2.5 years and Trevor was born in 1992. 

Little did we know, that was just the beginning of a breath-taking roller coaster ride. . .

I can hear the clicking of the car as it’s being pulled onto the tracks.

 I feel the anxious anticipation of an unknown ride. . .  click, click, click . . .the upward climb . . .

When Jordan and Trevor were 3 ½ and almost 1, God called us to the mission field. We went to the Philippines on a short term mission. In the days before the trip, Dan and I had many long conversations about God’s faithfulness in His provisions for this trip (which were nothing short of miraculous). We talked about how awesome it was to hear His voice telling us this is where we needed to be, and how amazing it felt to put all of our trust in Him and be led on such an incredible adventure. . . 

the click, click, click of the coaster being pulled further up the hill. . .

But were we really putting ALL of our trust in Him? Dan and I spent hours talking about what it really meant to trust in a God that we believed was sovereign. Had we really given control of every part of our lives to Him? If we could trust God to send us half way around the world with our two little boys, if we could trust Him to provide the finances, if we could trust Him for our safety . . .

click, click, click . . .

. . .then what about our family. What about when babies come and how many we have? I remember the conversation we had one humid night in Manilla, reading through the verses in Psalms 127 that say: ”Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors; For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep. Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth, How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed when they speak with the enemies in the gate. I remember praying that God would make His way clear and I remember Dan saying we need to put this in God’s hands and let him plan our family. . . 

still climbing, only now I’m looking over at Dan and he’s got his hands held high to get the best ride possible.

 I couldn’t pry my white knuckles off the lap bar and close my eyes tight. . . we are nearing the top . . .

 two months later I was pregnant with our third child. Madison was born in July of 1994. . . 

the descent begins with a rush . . .

I remember thinking that just because we were allowing God to plan our family didn’t necessarily mean we would have more than four children. Again I can hear God chuckle. . . 

and we gain momentum . . .

Moriah was born 14 months later in September of 1995, then in 16 months, Hannah was born, January 1997. . .

the first turn. I loosen my grip and raise my hands high in the air. . .

18 months and Hudson arrived, July 1998. On my birthday in September, 1999 I miscarried our 7^th child . . .  

Our car turns upside down and I am overcome with fear. 

 I grip the bar tight and hold on

By November I was pregnant again, only ultrasounds show it is not a viable pregnancy and we must wait 2 weeks to confirm . . .

Another loop and I'm still holding on

Two weeks pass and an ultrasound confirms that precious heart beat . . .

Out of the loops and I loosen my grip

and in August of 2000 Payton James was born. . .

I manage to let go again and even let out a little scream of excitement

July 2002, Bailey came . . . New Year’s day, 2005 Abigail arrived . . .

This is the best ride ever and it’s not over yet!!!!

Finally on March 30, 2007 Maximus Isaac was born. . .

His birth was very difficult. There were medical complication that let us know that God was closing this chapter of our lives. After weeks of prayer, I had a much needed surgery that would end my ability to bare children. As difficult and painful as the surgery was, there was such a peace. The kind we knew could only come from God. I remember the nurses asking me if I was sad. I said “No. My uterus has served me well and it’s time to say goodbye.” I think I told them I was going to have it bronzed but I might have dreamt that in the haze of anesthesia. 

Our train slows as it returns to the station. I look over at Dan and he looks at me. 

Our hair is a mess, our eyes are watery and we are both out of breath, but we made it!! 

God tells us this ride is over and directs us to the next roller coaster. 

We settle in and this time I’ve got my arms up before the lap bar even goes down. 

This roller coaster is called graduations, college, weddings and even grand babies . . . 

woooohoooo! Let’s go!!!

Marriage is not for wimps

Over the last several months, I have received information that I find surprising and tragic. I have to admit that I wrestle with mixed emotions and sometimes need to fight the urge to hunt these people down and thump them on the head. I suppose that, at my current age and life stage, this is considered “normal” and that makes me want to scream even louder! 

Here’s the problem. Several of our peer couples are splitting up. Ugh! Just writing that makes my stomach turn. The selfishness that this implies just baffles me. Its as if they are saying “Yes, I know this is selfish, but I am going to do it anyhow. Because I deserve better” 

If you are one of those people, you should stop reading now, because you are not going to like what I have to say. 

Here’s an example:( No names and I may or may not mix up which spouse did what.) Married for 20 years, multiple children now somewhere around high school age. Husband works in an industry that has been hurt by the rotten economy. He comes home grumpy and depressed. Honestly, he is not a whole lot of fun to be around. AND the money that used to supply his wife’s necessities (mani pedi, sissy-la-la coffee drinks, “fresh” wardrobe choices) is no longer coming in. There is, however,  still enough money to pay all the bills and keep the kids in private school. Clearly her life is a mess, wouldn’t you agree? Well, if you are her friend and you dare to disagree, your friendship will come to a grinding halt. She will surround herself with people who will “tickle her ears” with only the things she wants to hear. “Oh Honey. You deserve better.” “You deserve someone who....”

Well, there happens to be “someone” at her place of employment who is happy to see her, gives her attention, compliments her clothes, and supports her disdain for her husband...and it happens to be a man. 

I don’t even want to justify this story by telling how it ends. Lets just say...it ends. There are lots of stories just like this one. Tragic stories about wimpy people who quit when things get tough. Most of the time I can excuse them because they don’t know any better. But this case is different. This couple and several others sat under the same teaching that Dan and I did. They heard what God’s word says about marriage and commitment and promises and commitment! Were they just not listening? Were they absent that day? NO! They heard....every....word.

Marriage is a commitment made before God. It is a promise to love, honor and cherish....forever. There are no clauses that say if the going gets tough you can find another option. 

There are only two times in life that God’s will for you will be so crystal clear; Marriage and children. My friends, when you said “I do” you chose a path. You made a commitment to love and honor your spouse. God has made His will clear to you. 

Ladies, there is nothing in God’s word that says love him.... 

if he earns enough money,

 if he is happy, 

if he is nice to you, 

if he helps with the kids

or the house

or the yard

or even if he deserves it. 

We are called to love our husband as if he were Jesus. 

I chose to marry Dan 25 years ago. Dan is an amazing husband and father. He is my best friend. He protects and provides for me. He loves me.....but he is certainly not perfect. We have had our share of struggles; financial, emotional, spiritual... Dan is not always happy, but I choose to love him. Dan is not always nice, but I choose to love him. Dan does not always deserve my love, but I choose to give it to him anyhow. And quite honestly, I am not always happy or nice and Lord knows I  don’t always deserve the love that Dan shows for me. Just keepin’ in real.

So what does it look like to show love to someone who doesn’t always deserve it? 

It means having hard conversations. 

It means not always needing to be right. 

It means letting an unkind word go unnoticed. 

It means meeting his needs even though you might feel at the time like your needs are not being met. 

It means having grace in times that are tough. 

It means looking at the loss of a job as a thrilling adventure and not a scary situation. 

It means choosing to sit down and watch the game with him while the house is a mess and the kids run amuck. It means having a willing spirit when he says “I have an idea!” 

It means saying “its OK,  it’ll work out.” instead of “I told you so.” 

It means not pointing out his weaknesses in order to make yourself feel better.

It means being his biggest cheerleader.

It means considering it a privilege to share his bed.

It means talking to your children about what an amazing man he is.

It means greeting him everyday when he comes home from work like he’s been gone for a month.

I will be the first to admit that I do not consistently live up to this list. I fail on a regular basis, but I strive for this. I know that this is a partial list of the things God has called me to do as the one called to love this man. 

Several years ago, Dan lost his job. He was devastated. He took a risk and it didn’t pay off. He was angry at the world and especially at God. He looked for work to no end. And as time went by, he got very depressed. My response at first was one of support. I tried to be an encourager without being a nag. Slowly, I slipped in the nag trap, and slowly I became angry. I woke up every morning, got the kids ready for the day, and began our school. I was teaching 6 of our 8 children while taking care of the other two who were too young for school. While Dan would sleep in late only to get up and fall back to sleep on the couch (a sign of serious depression). The house was falling apart around us and he was sleeping on the couch. I could have found any number of ladies who would have supported me in my anger and brewing discontent with the man I had married. But I didn’t. God knew what I needed and He was sure I got it. I was involved with a small group of women who knew me very well. We were studying a book call ”Created to be His Helpmeet”. That book was teaching me what God’s word says about my calling as a wife. It was telling me to love my husband whether he deserves it or not and by loving him I was honoring and obeying the God who created me; the God in whose presence I made the commitment to love and honor my husband. 

Sadly, I am one stubborn cookie. I had “I deserve” conversations with God. 

I deserve someone who will help me with the kids.

I deserve someone who will fix things around the house

I deserve someone who will mow the lawns

I deserve someone who has a job

I deserve someone who will take me out on dates

I deserve to be able to go on vacations

I deserve.... 

The “I deserve” game is a dangerous game to play

What was God’s response to my ramblings?

“Trina, you deserve to spend the rest of eternity in the pit of Hell because you are a sinner who falls short of my glory every day. I had to watch my Son suffer and die on a cross in order that you might have the hope of living in eternity.” 

......Perspective.....

Oh Man!! Did I have some work to do. I had to correct my attitude, my thoughts, my behaviors. I began to serve Dan. I would make breakfast for him so it was ready when he woke up, I made lunch for him first and brought it to him on the couch. I Made sure he had what he needed and then, I made sure the lawns were mowed and the weeds were pulled. I did it alone or with the kids. I didn’t do it with any expectations, I didn’t do it with a chip on my shoulder. I didn’t do it begrudgingly. But I did it with a happy attitude as unto the Lord. And do you know what happened?

Dan started getting up earlier. He started helping with the kids, he started looking for work, he started taking care of the yard....it was like a miracle! A happy miracle that I was not expecting. He found his way out of the muck and mire of depression because I was obedient to God. 

It often makes me wonder if I had been obedient from the beginning if maybe things wouldn’t have been so bad, or if maybe things in our marriage would be different. I eventually apologized to Dan for not being the wife God called me to be and therefore effecting our marriage in a negative way. He was bewildered, but graciously forgave me. 

Our marriage is stronger today than ever. Dan is still an amazing husband and father. He loves me no matter what. He loves me when I’m grumpy, when I’m forgetful, when I’m tired, when I’m angry....That dark  period in our marriage didn’t last very long, but we both learned so much and are better because of it. 

My point is this: Marriage is not for wimps. Its hard work. The first thing you need to do to mend a marriage that is in trouble is to look in the mirror. Take a long, hard look at the person staring back at you and decide if you really want what you “deserve” or if you want to delight in the marriage God has given you. It really is that simple. I realize that in the real world there are some very serious issues within a marriage that are incredibly difficult and may need counseling, but it really does begin with a self examination. A time of confession that begins with "I", not "he"or "you". More importantly, ask the God of the Universe, the One who caused the "two to become one" to restore what he created.

And for those of you who have chosen to walk away from a marriage and still read this entire post, seek God, seek help from the one who created you. You will one day answer to Him. 

All of this post was read and approved by Dan