Marriage is not for wimps

Over the last several months, I have received information that I find surprising and tragic. I have to admit that I wrestle with mixed emotions and sometimes need to fight the urge to hunt these people down and thump them on the head. I suppose that, at my current age and life stage, this is considered “normal” and that makes me want to scream even louder! 

Here’s the problem. Several of our peer couples are splitting up. Ugh! Just writing that makes my stomach turn. The selfishness that this implies just baffles me. Its as if they are saying “Yes, I know this is selfish, but I am going to do it anyhow. Because I deserve better” 

If you are one of those people, you should stop reading now, because you are not going to like what I have to say. 

Here’s an example:( No names and I may or may not mix up which spouse did what.) Married for 20 years, multiple children now somewhere around high school age. Husband works in an industry that has been hurt by the rotten economy. He comes home grumpy and depressed. Honestly, he is not a whole lot of fun to be around. AND the money that used to supply his wife’s necessities (mani pedi, sissy-la-la coffee drinks, “fresh” wardrobe choices) is no longer coming in. There is, however,  still enough money to pay all the bills and keep the kids in private school. Clearly her life is a mess, wouldn’t you agree? Well, if you are her friend and you dare to disagree, your friendship will come to a grinding halt. She will surround herself with people who will “tickle her ears” with only the things she wants to hear. “Oh Honey. You deserve better.” “You deserve someone who....”

Well, there happens to be “someone” at her place of employment who is happy to see her, gives her attention, compliments her clothes, and supports her disdain for her husband...and it happens to be a man. 

I don’t even want to justify this story by telling how it ends. Lets just say...it ends. There are lots of stories just like this one. Tragic stories about wimpy people who quit when things get tough. Most of the time I can excuse them because they don’t know any better. But this case is different. This couple and several others sat under the same teaching that Dan and I did. They heard what God’s word says about marriage and commitment and promises and commitment! Were they just not listening? Were they absent that day? NO! They heard....every....word.

Marriage is a commitment made before God. It is a promise to love, honor and cherish....forever. There are no clauses that say if the going gets tough you can find another option. 

There are only two times in life that God’s will for you will be so crystal clear; Marriage and children. My friends, when you said “I do” you chose a path. You made a commitment to love and honor your spouse. God has made His will clear to you. 

Ladies, there is nothing in God’s word that says love him.... 

if he earns enough money,

 if he is happy, 

if he is nice to you, 

if he helps with the kids

or the house

or the yard

or even if he deserves it. 

We are called to love our husband as if he were Jesus. 

I chose to marry Dan 25 years ago. Dan is an amazing husband and father. He is my best friend. He protects and provides for me. He loves me.....but he is certainly not perfect. We have had our share of struggles; financial, emotional, spiritual... Dan is not always happy, but I choose to love him. Dan is not always nice, but I choose to love him. Dan does not always deserve my love, but I choose to give it to him anyhow. And quite honestly, I am not always happy or nice and Lord knows I  don’t always deserve the love that Dan shows for me. Just keepin’ in real.

So what does it look like to show love to someone who doesn’t always deserve it? 

It means having hard conversations. 

It means not always needing to be right. 

It means letting an unkind word go unnoticed. 

It means meeting his needs even though you might feel at the time like your needs are not being met. 

It means having grace in times that are tough. 

It means looking at the loss of a job as a thrilling adventure and not a scary situation. 

It means choosing to sit down and watch the game with him while the house is a mess and the kids run amuck. It means having a willing spirit when he says “I have an idea!” 

It means saying “its OK,  it’ll work out.” instead of “I told you so.” 

It means not pointing out his weaknesses in order to make yourself feel better.

It means being his biggest cheerleader.

It means considering it a privilege to share his bed.

It means talking to your children about what an amazing man he is.

It means greeting him everyday when he comes home from work like he’s been gone for a month.

I will be the first to admit that I do not consistently live up to this list. I fail on a regular basis, but I strive for this. I know that this is a partial list of the things God has called me to do as the one called to love this man. 

Several years ago, Dan lost his job. He was devastated. He took a risk and it didn’t pay off. He was angry at the world and especially at God. He looked for work to no end. And as time went by, he got very depressed. My response at first was one of support. I tried to be an encourager without being a nag. Slowly, I slipped in the nag trap, and slowly I became angry. I woke up every morning, got the kids ready for the day, and began our school. I was teaching 6 of our 8 children while taking care of the other two who were too young for school. While Dan would sleep in late only to get up and fall back to sleep on the couch (a sign of serious depression). The house was falling apart around us and he was sleeping on the couch. I could have found any number of ladies who would have supported me in my anger and brewing discontent with the man I had married. But I didn’t. God knew what I needed and He was sure I got it. I was involved with a small group of women who knew me very well. We were studying a book call ”Created to be His Helpmeet”. That book was teaching me what God’s word says about my calling as a wife. It was telling me to love my husband whether he deserves it or not and by loving him I was honoring and obeying the God who created me; the God in whose presence I made the commitment to love and honor my husband. 

Sadly, I am one stubborn cookie. I had “I deserve” conversations with God. 

I deserve someone who will help me with the kids.

I deserve someone who will fix things around the house

I deserve someone who will mow the lawns

I deserve someone who has a job

I deserve someone who will take me out on dates

I deserve to be able to go on vacations

I deserve.... 

The “I deserve” game is a dangerous game to play

What was God’s response to my ramblings?

“Trina, you deserve to spend the rest of eternity in the pit of Hell because you are a sinner who falls short of my glory every day. I had to watch my Son suffer and die on a cross in order that you might have the hope of living in eternity.” 

......Perspective.....

Oh Man!! Did I have some work to do. I had to correct my attitude, my thoughts, my behaviors. I began to serve Dan. I would make breakfast for him so it was ready when he woke up, I made lunch for him first and brought it to him on the couch. I Made sure he had what he needed and then, I made sure the lawns were mowed and the weeds were pulled. I did it alone or with the kids. I didn’t do it with any expectations, I didn’t do it with a chip on my shoulder. I didn’t do it begrudgingly. But I did it with a happy attitude as unto the Lord. And do you know what happened?

Dan started getting up earlier. He started helping with the kids, he started looking for work, he started taking care of the yard....it was like a miracle! A happy miracle that I was not expecting. He found his way out of the muck and mire of depression because I was obedient to God. 

It often makes me wonder if I had been obedient from the beginning if maybe things wouldn’t have been so bad, or if maybe things in our marriage would be different. I eventually apologized to Dan for not being the wife God called me to be and therefore effecting our marriage in a negative way. He was bewildered, but graciously forgave me. 

Our marriage is stronger today than ever. Dan is still an amazing husband and father. He loves me no matter what. He loves me when I’m grumpy, when I’m forgetful, when I’m tired, when I’m angry....That dark  period in our marriage didn’t last very long, but we both learned so much and are better because of it. 

My point is this: Marriage is not for wimps. Its hard work. The first thing you need to do to mend a marriage that is in trouble is to look in the mirror. Take a long, hard look at the person staring back at you and decide if you really want what you “deserve” or if you want to delight in the marriage God has given you. It really is that simple. I realize that in the real world there are some very serious issues within a marriage that are incredibly difficult and may need counseling, but it really does begin with a self examination. A time of confession that begins with "I", not "he"or "you". More importantly, ask the God of the Universe, the One who caused the "two to become one" to restore what he created.

And for those of you who have chosen to walk away from a marriage and still read this entire post, seek God, seek help from the one who created you. You will one day answer to Him. 

All of this post was read and approved by Dan