In The Mood for a Good Cry?

I have discovered something quite interesting. Women tend to measure the quality of a movie, a song, a message, yes, even a blog, by how many times it makes them cry. . . OK . . . maybe this is not a new piece of information for some of you, but it was for me.



If you are in the mood for a good cry, this may not be the blog for you today. However, if you have cried this week because you have cleaned up poopie underwear 25 times (or, as was the case for me on more than one occasion, chosen just to throw them away). If you cried this week because you visited every restroom from here to Sacramento to ensure dry chonies by the time you got to grandma's house only to find it was not enough and proceed to put on the sixth outfit of the day. Then this is the site for you!!



I have had so many moms asking me recently about potty training that I decided to give it some blogspace. Questions like: How old should they be, how do I start, what technique do I use, what books do I read . . . etc. So here are my .02.

I need to give you some thoughts to ponder before launching an attack on potty training. First of all, every potty training experience will be unique. Don't believe anyone who says boys are super hard and girls are a piece of cake. It depends on the boy and in depends on the girl. I have had both. Also, please, please please, don't compare your child to the other children at playgroup or preschool. I believe that is an unfair burden placed on a very little person. If you let go of those expectations you will find much more success in this endeavor. And one last point: always look ahead. This will be a tiny spec of time compared to the span of their lifetime. I promise, they will not be wearing diapers when the go off to college. (of course there are probably exceptions to that oath, but I have yet to meet one)

So . . .What age is appropriate? That depends on the child. Do they have the language skills to tell you they need to use the potty? My oldest could speak full sentences at 15 months old, he potty trained on his second birthday. My second didn't speak until around 2 and didn't potty train until later. Do they seperate themselves to do the "big jobs"? (Go behind the couch to poop) Also, what other factors are there in your household to contend with? (new baby coming or already there, recent move or a move coming) Seasons matter, as well. It is a lot easier to train in the summer vs. the winter.



OK. Now that I have answered that question with three or four others, and you know exactly which age is appropriate for potty training (wink, wink), we can move on. How do you start? Start by talking about it. Explain ahead of time that on this certain date we are going to buy some big girl/boy underpant and start using the big potty. Personally I don't like using a potty seat only because I don't want to clean it out. After making that decision based on totally selfish reasons I found that it actually helped because I didn't create a dependancy on their "special seat". I have known people who travel with the special "seat" because Junior couldn't use the big potty. Using the big potty does mean, however, that, for a while you will have to help them on and stay with them while they complete their task. I prefer this sacrifce to the fashionable carry along portapotty. (again . . .personal preference . . . no offense intended)



Then on that day, make a big deal out of going to the store and picking out the undies. Bring them home with great pomp and circumstance and proudly put them on the child as if knighting the young lad or crowning the little princess. Take pictures, show daddy and brothers and sisters if there are any. Make them feel special. Then take them to sit on the potty. If they have succuss and are able to make something happen (no matter how small, liquid or solid) reward them with something sweet. (M&Ms, Jelly Beans, Milk Duds) I know some people use stickers because sweets are not good for the children. Again, in my opinion, kids like sweet stuff. One M&M a couple of times a day won't spoil them. If they don't "make it happen" this time show them the reward and tell them what they need to do to get that reward. Now set the timer for 20 or 30 minutes, whichever you think is best, and take them potty when the timer goes off. Reward them only for success. But don't berate them for failure. It's OK they will try again in 30 minutes. Typically my children would get tired of me taking them and start telling me when they had to go. This method is not guaranteed! But it's a start.



There is one very important point that needs to be clarified. Who has control of that little bladder? The child does!! Trust me on this one. I have tried every technique in the book (Figuatively speaking of course. I didn't read any books) I have tried reward, discipline, anger, ignore . . . and I came to one conclusion . . . I cannot control their bladder (unless I scare it out of them) So this is the very critical point that I am trying to make. Don't sweat it!! If they have success . . .yippee!! If they don't tell them "That's OK" put a diaper on and try again in a week or two. It is not worth the trouble in the long run. They will train when they are ready and you will still like them when they are done!

I have always loved my children and always will. I am going to share a time with you when I can honestly say I didn't like them very much and it had everything to do with potty training. I had six children. Ages 8, 6, 4, 3, 2, and 9 months. My three girls were 4,3,and 2. Everyday was a struggle. Everyday was a battle to keep them dry. They were all training at the same time, but not because I had planned it that way. I had been training them all starting at age 2. Which means we had been working on it for two whole years. Two whole excrutiatingly long years. These were the years that I tried everything; candy rewards, sticker charts, discipline, anger, frustration, . . . To no avail. I never thought it would end. I had no foresight. No hope. I'm not sure when it happened, but I finally gave up trying to control their bladders. I just decided that I was not going to sweat it and it would happen when it happened. I decided that my response to their accidents was always going to be an audible "that's OK, let's get you cleaned up" . Mainly to remind myself that it really was OK. Today, they are 14, 12, 11. . . And I'm proud to say they are completely potty trained. . . even through the night! I know, I know, you are amazed!! What can I say. A job well done.

So does it really matter that they weren't trained on their second birthday? Not at all!! They don't even remember that part of their lives (fortunately for me). Will it matter for your little one? No. It might matter for your playgroup mommies. (if it does I suggest another playgroup) It might even matter for the grandparents in which case you can decide on an answer for them. May I suggest: "We're working on it" or "pretty soon" or "Your welcome to try". The harsh reality is it's none of their business. (My apologies to any grandparents out there, but this can be a sensative issue for any young mother and sometimes they need to hear that they know what's best for their children . . . not that you didn't . . .oh, just accept my apology and move on).

Since that crazy time in my life, potty training has been a breeze. I stopped putting so much pressure on myself and on them and to be honest I can't even remember their ages of mastery. It wasn't important. We still make a big deal out of buying the underpants. We still celebrate success. Its fun to see my big boys 15 and 18 get really excited when a trainee goes potty in the big potty for the first time. We have a whole cheering section for such an occassion. I have successfully trained 9 out of ten children even through the night. Max is next, but not for a while. He needs to work on walking first.

I hope this helped. If you have more questions, feel free to email me or leave a comment. I would be happy to help.

Blessings,
Trina

Disclaimer: I realize that there are medical issues that may cause a child to be very delayed in this area. In all my years of parenting and advise-giving I have only met one. If your child is three and not trained don't panic. If they are five and still struggling, it might be worth a trip to the doctor.